True Colors

I told you guys that M's not always as nice as he was in that one letter. Lol. Here's our latest Facebook drama.

M: Subject: Did what I could
50 dollars moneygram walmart

Me: 

I appreciate the effort. 

Just so we're both clear, tomorrow on January 1st you are $950 behind on child support. The $200 you never sent in October/November, $400 for December, and $400 for January, minus the $50 you sent today.


M:
And as I said I will be behind but only $750 thanks


Me:
You are $950 behind, unless you can produce proof that you sent the full $400 for each month we have been separated. Recovery services will not accept car repairs as child support. Sorry about that.


M: 
well I guess we will see what the court has to say. As for filling our taxes. If you do not want to file jointly then you can expect that you wont get child support for a while. I am sorry but thats the way it is. I am trying to get this all taken care of including filing bankruptcy together. But if it is going to be like this then I will just File for divorce first then do my own bankruptcy. The choice is yours. I can have the funds deposited into the wachovia account. I would be willing to sign a document about the agreement on how to spend funds but again this is your choice. Please let me know asap.


Me:
You're failing to be effective at 'trying to file bankruptcy together.' All you're doing is continually telling me to call local attorneys, without specifying what information you need me to get, and refusing to do it yourself. Please be more specific on the steps that need to be taken in that respect.

The Wachovia account, unless you remove yourself from it, is not sufficient. Forgive me, but you have not been altogether reliable when it comes to financial matters since we have been separated. I cannot take the risk of going to collect the funds and there being insufficient funds in the account, as has happened in the past. I'm sure you understand. What type of document do you suggest? I'm honestly not sure how much protection that would give. Please be more specific.

On another note, if you can afford to retain an attorney for a divorce, you can surely afford child support. Just a thought.


M:
I cannot afford one untill a) I get taxes. Or b) I get my bonus. So I need to know what you want to do. I am sorry but I don't trust you alone with money either. I almost got evicted because you took money without telling me from the account don't you remember. I want you to call local attorneys and find out costs to file for bankruptcy. I did not realize that was that hard to do. I work 50+ hours a week while you sit around so please call and find out prices. Thanks








I have not replied to that last message. I'm sort of speechless. If you'll look a couple of posts back, he told me he almost got evicted because I called his store and told them he was dating an employee. Now, it's because I took the amount of child support out of the bank account that he owed me. (Back story: I was supposed to take out $200 biweekly = $400/mo from joint account. Went to get money the second time we did this, and there were insufficient funds. Was only able to get $40.  Next pay period, I took out $200 + the $160 from last pay period = $360. That was when he got mad and shut off my phone.) So I'm really not sure which it is. Also, he did shut off my phone. And my mom's house phone is really currently out of service. So in all actuality, it really is difficult to call attorneys without a phone. Just saying. And yes, I "sit around" taking care of my son by myself. Next semester I'll be in school, studying, and being a single mom. I'd be in school now, but he left me in October.. I couldn't get into school that semester. Sheesh. 


I don't know why I'm letting myself be bugged by this. I really shouldn't. Hopefully now that I've blogged it out, I can enjoy the rest of the evening with my little prince. :)

2010 and Beyond!

Looking over that last post, I'm realizing how much of my life has just happened to me. If I had stuck to my guns and achieved the goals I set for myself, I would not be a single mom with no education right now. No way, no how. So my overall goal in the next decade is to stick to my guns. Don't let people sway me from what I want. Especially, especially, ESPECIALLY men. They were honestly and truly the root of all my problems in the last decade. Lol! It's really true.

I do have some more specific goals I want to achieve though.

In 2010, I want to:

-Like everyone else, lose weight. I've lost 28.5 lbs since leaving M in October, making 46.5 lbs lost from my peak pregnancy weight with E. Sheesh! All I did was gain, gain, gain while I was with M, and now that I'm rid of him it's coming off easily. Not without effort, but I'm not exactly working my butt off either. I still have quite a way to go before I'm at a weight I'm comfortable at, and even MORE to go before I'm at my ideal weight - the weight I was at when I was dancing en pointe. Previously, I thought that I would never get back to my ballet dancing weight since I've had two babies and three pregnancies, but you know what? I think I can! Or pretty darn close. So I'm going to run with this momentum, and do it in 2010. I think I'll post tickers in the sidebar here for keeping track :).

-Get good grades. I'm going back to college next semester (if my financial aid comes through in time!) and I really need to get my GPA up. I did craptastically in school when I was with M - he actually blamed his cheating on me while we were engaged on me spending too much time studying. *eye roll.* Normally I'm kind of an over achiever in school, and I'd like to return to that.

-Enjoy E. It's going to be so hard leaving him to go to class, and giving up time with him to study. I'm only going to school part time, but still. I want to treasure the time I do have with him and not lament that I can't be a stay at home mom with him as planned. I'm working to make my life and his life better, and I refuse to feel guilty for that. I'm doing the best that I can with the situation that I have. (Convincing myself much? lol.)

-Get Divorced and Enjoy Being Single. The divorce will be filed and final in 2010. I've decided not to date until the time comes when it is final, for my own personal reasons. After that, I want to date, but take it slowly. I don't want to jump into another relationship too quickly. I want to enjoy being myself for awhile, enjoy being an "I" and not a "we."

In 2010-2019, I want to:

-Graduate. I haven't talked about it on here yet, but I'm starting prereqs for nursing school (hence all the nursing blogs that I follow). It's not something that I EVER saw myself doing until now. (I was an econ/poli sci major previously.) Somehow though, between my two NICU experiences and my high risk pregnancy, I almost feel like it was what I was meant to do. The reason I had to go through all this crap. Because if I hadn't, it would never have interested me like it does now. Anyway, I hope to get into the program after prereqs and get an ADN, and then work while getting a BSN. And this is planning really far ahead.. but I think after that I'd like to go forward and get an MSN to be a Neonatal Nurse Practitioner. I realize all this might change when I actually get into nursing school, but I always like to have a plan, even if the plan changes along the way.

-Move Out of my Mom's House - That sort of needs no explanation. I'm happy to be living here while going to school and setting myself up for success financially, but I don't want to be here forever.

-Take Care of Me - I completely allowed myself to get lost in my marriage and in my devotion to M and our relationship. Simply put, I stopped being me. The real me wouldn't have allowed myself to gain the weight that I did, or get the grades in school that I did. This decade, I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to let myself get lost in the shuffle of single mommyhood, dating, school.. anything. Because if I don't take care of me, no one else will.

The Decade 2000-2009 in Bullet Points

It's New Years Eve tomorrow! I've been thinking a lot about this as a fresh start for me. Not only is it a new year, but a whole new decade. Wow! It seems like just yesterday we were all worried about Y2K with the year 2000. I can't believe it's already 2010.

It's amazing all that has happened in my life in this past decade. So, so much.



2000   
   -7th grade.
   -First boyfriend
   -First dance
   -Y2K worries. What a joke, lol.
   -My parents divorced after 20 years of marriage.
   -My parents remarried, after 3 months of divorce.
   -Went tanning and got acrylic nails for the first time.

2001
   -September 11th, of course.
   -8th grade.
   -Finally got en pointe in ballet!
   -Parents re-divorced after 3 additional months of marriage.
   -First Kiss

2002 
   -9th grade.
   -Got my first summer job at a snow cone shack. Made $5.75 an hour.
   -Met M that summer. Our first kiss in the fall.

2003
   -M broke up with me New Years Day, before he left for the Navy.  
   -Summer in Chicago for ballet. Saw M there.
   -10th grade.
   -Went blonde. Fell in love with high end salon product (Bumble and bumble).
   -Made Madrigal choir in school.
   -Was in the school play, Footloose.
   -Got drivers license.Drove my dad's Jeep Wrangler.
   -Worked at a tanning salon.
   -Quit ballet to work. Big mistake.

2004
   -11th grade.
   -Was in the school play, Les Miserables as Whore #2 (LOL).
   -Madrigals.
   -AP classes.
   -Found out M was married. Called his parents to confirm.
   -Daddy made me give up the Jeep and drive a Toyota Echo, to save on insurance. I was devastated.

2005
   -Senior year.
   -College classes. Only 2 of my classes were at the high school.
   -Graduated 6 months early.
   -Moved out.
   -Decided I was done with academics, wanted to go to hair school.
   -Really horrible boyfriend, T. Bad influence. Dated for 8 months. Broke up and moved back to hometown.

2006 
   -Decided I really did want to go to college. 
   -Internship at Disney. Had the time of my life.
   -M MySpaces me and tells me he's getting divorced. We get back together.
   -Left Disney. Huge mistake.

2007 
  -Lived with M while we were engaged. Another huge mistake.
  -M cheated with WS (Whore Sister). Found out on my birthday.
  -Got married. Hugest mistake yet.

2008 
 -Got pregnant, had a miscarriage at 6 weeks over Mother's Day Weekend.
 -Got pregnant again next cycle.
 -Carried B to 26 weeks.
 -Move to east coast.
 -Preterm labor en route to east coast. Lost B.

2009
  -Lived on east coast. Didn't know anyone.
  -Got pregnant with E, quit job.
  -6 weeks of hospital bed rest
  -E born at 29 weeks! Best thing that's ever happened to me!
  -6 weeks in NICU.
  -Brought E home.
  -Found out about M's affair.
  -Moved back home.
  -B's first birthday and angelversary.

Whew! It's been a crazy busy, TOUGH decade!! Here's hoping that the next year, and the next decade holds a little less tragedy and a little more joy; a few less mistakes and a lot more triumphs.

Next post: Goals for 2010 and the decade 2010-2019!

M's Reply

LOL omg. Wow. He was actually NICE. Lest you guys think he was always this nice, I might have to post the BlackBerry Messenger transcript of our last fight. But for now.. this was his reply to the letter I sent earlier.

Hi.
I am sorry that I was unable to make a payment in December.  I really am trying to get everything done that I can. I have had a lot of things come up recently.  I was in the hospital for a few days.  I do not desire to relinquish my parental rights.  I am going to try to send you something via western union or moneygram on thursday.  I am not sure how much it will be at this time.  I get my w-2's on january 15th.  This is my plan let me know if this will work for you.  I suggest that we file jointly online based on H&R Blocks website it says I can expect around $2000 back from federal.  This will allow us to get more money back without going through the trouble of going to offices to have papers faxed back and forth.  I will then have them direct deposited into the Wachovia account.  You can then get the money for Dec and Jan from the return. Prior to me doing it online through H&R Block.   I would like you to go talk to a lawyer about filing for joint bankruptcy.  We can use the money left over from refunds to pay for that.  Any left over money we can split 50/50.  Please let me know if this will work for you.  Unless you made more than $600 from your job you dont have to claim your earnings with the taxes.  I dont remember if you did or not.  Again I appologize for not being able to send you money on the 18th. It was a matter of me getting evicted or not.  I realize this is not your concern but I thought you would like to know the reason.  I fell behind due to a phone call you made to my store letting them know i was dating an employee.  I ended up having to get transferred to a different store thus extra expenses.  Hope all is going well with E.  I am hoping to be able to come see him in march.  I know that you probably wont do this but give him my love.  If you have any questions or other ideas about what I can do please email me.

Again I think that being his dad I deserve pictures more than once a month.  I see you are on Facebook all the time playing Farmville.  If you have the time to do that you should have the time to send me pictures at least once a week.   Thanks M


I sent him the message on both his email and his facebook (to his inbox, obviously) so that reply was to my email. 


His Facebook reply said this:


I did lie to you when you were here. Not that it matters but I never slept with anyone or saw or kissed anyone when you were pregnant or on bedrest. I said those things because if I didnt I knew you would not leave. That was wrong to say. I did not cheat on you until E was home. Not that it makes it any better. I Just thought you should know the truth.




Okay. All this is wildly funny to me for several reasons. 


Reason #1 - he seems to be feeling guilty. Finally. And that makes me want to laugh.
Reason #2 - Whether what he said on Facebook is true or not (I doubt that it is, I think he just wants to make himself look better), it's amusing to me that he thinks I still care. I couldn't care less about rehashing all of that. It's over and done, I've moved on. 
Reason #3 - He got in trouble for dating an employee. Because I called. OMG. That is the funniest thing, EVER.




There are many others but I'm just going to post. LOL. 


I think I just won this battle. 

Letter to M

I'm playing the badger-the-ex-for-child-support game which so many of us are intimately familiar with. Lots of fun. He's still winning. But I haven't given up.

Anyway, the point of this post really isn't about that.

I went through this phase when I was about seventeen or so, that I was all about manners and couth. My bible was Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior. I read the whole thing cover to cover, and I just loved her style. You see, I've never been a particularly confrontational person. I don't like to fight, yell, or insult people. Unfortunately, some of those aggressive skills do come in handy at times in this imperfect life. From Miss Manners, I learned that I didn't need to do any of that to shame people into acting like decent people. (At that point in my life I sincerely believed that all people were capable of having proper shame - now I know better.) All I needed to do was choose my words carefully. And I have been doing it ever since.

Another thing. (I promise this all comes together at the end. Bear with me.) I don't like swearing at people. I can certainly appreciate a cuss word or two for emphasis, or comedic value, but it has just never been 'me.' One of the reasons for this, I suppose, is that when I was young, but old enough to start questioning things, I debated with my mother that swear words were just sounds, so why were they such a big deal? (Swearing was an absolute no-no in our home, lol. Except for my mom herself, if she was particularly angry. Do as I say, not as I do at it's best!) To that she replied that it wasn't a big deal. In fact, it was such a small deal that people who curse habitually do so as a result of their small mindedness and lack of education. If that were untrue, she reasoned, they would be able to express themselves in more than four letter words.

No offense intended. I know many a bright minded person with the mouth of a sailor. This is just what she said that made sense to my inquisitive eight year old mind :). As a result of that, when I'm angry, I don't tend to curse. Instead my words get more succinct. This was always something that bothered M - if I was really angry, he could never comprehend what I was saying to him. Then he felt like an uneducated idiot. (Which by the way, I sidestepped arguing with.)

So here it is. Miss Manners and my mother's teachings combine to give you this request for child support. I only hope M doesn't have to do too much Googling. I tried to keep it simple for him.

Here's to using proper vocabulary and good manners to act like a bitch!

M-

I just wanted to make you aware that I have not received a check for December's child support payment. You indicated in an email via ****@gmail.com on 11/24/2009 that you intended to send a child support check in the full amount of $400 on 12/18/2009. It has been ten days since that date, and I have not received any mail from you whatsoever.

Please let me know if you have mailed it, but it has somehow gotten delayed or lost due to post office error.

Otherwise, I would like to remind you as I did on 11/20/2009 in an email via *****@gmail.com that unless your intent is to relinquish your parental rights, child support is your legal responsibility.

Please contact me at your earliest convenience to indicate 1) if you have sent a check, 2) if you have not, whether you would like to initiate the process of relinquishing parental rights, 3) if you have not sent a check and do not desire to relinquish rights, please indicate an exact date I can expect $400 for December's support, as well as $400 for January, and a method of payment. If you have not yet sent a payment and intend to, please do not send a personal check. A money order, cashier's check, or Western Union wire transfer are all acceptable forms of payment.

Please allow enough time when you are composing your response to address each question I have asked. I do not have time to try to decipher one line responses or send multiple emails because my queries have not been adequately addressed. I have numbered each question for your convenience.

I hope you received my message via Facebook on 12/22/2009 updating you on E's weight check. I will send his 5 month update with pictures on 01/02/2010 as previously promised to *****@gmail.com.

Thank you for your time and continued cooperation.

Sincerely,

Haute Single Mama

E's First Christmas!

I have to be honest. I've been a total Grinch/Scrooge/bum about Christmas this year. I didn't listen to much Christmas music, which is odd for me. I was in choir in school, so around September I usually get the urge to break out the Manheim Steamroller :). But not this year. I just really wasn't into it. The second year without my daughter, the first year without my husband.. the only thing I had left is E, and I didn't get the child support I was supposed to so I couldn't even buy him anything.

Surprisingly, it wasn't as bad as I'd imagined. The grandparents (my side, obviously) came through and each got a present for E (a crib mobile from my mom, and that floor gym I wanted from my dad), and my step sister who I haven't talked to in a couple years even got him a little outfit. My dad dressed up as Santa, so I got the Santa picture with E that I wanted! I had to put up with the whore sister (the one that M cheated on me with while we were engaged) but she didn't try to corner me or really even talk to me at all, so that wasn't as bad as I thought.

Instead of feeling 'let down' like I have after so many Christmases, I felt a little lighter. I was expecting to be miserable, but I was okay. Christmas was okay. E and I, we're okay.

Christmas Eve at the Cemetery

Today I took E and went out to the cemetery where B was buried. My dad brought me a little mini Christmas tree last week, and I went to the dollar store and bought some little ornaments for it. Also, an old family friend who I used to babysit for ran into my dad while he was shopping for the tree, and he updated her on what was going on in my life. She gave him a beautiful nativity ornament for B! So I put that out there too. It turned out beautifully, if I do say so myself! I was hoping to get some good pictures of E, but he was sort of irritable so I didn't get many.

The Nativity ornament

The grave from far away.. tinsel around the little hook, and the mini Christmas tree at the bottom.

The little tree! Kind of blends in with the grass, sorry :)

Her temporary marker.

After I was done decorating, E got really fussy and I needed to feed him. I didn't want to leave yet, so I just whipped out a bottle of pumped milk and fed him right there next to her grave. While I was just sitting there, an elderly lady and a younger girl (maybe my age - twenty something) came and filled the vase of poinsettias on their loved ones' grave with water. They looked over at me and I gave them a small smile. Just before they left, they approached me.

The older of the two women asked me, "Who did you lose, dear?" in the kindest voice. I said, "My daughter," and the younger woman kind of gasped and put her hand over her mouth. They asked me the usual questions - how old was she, how did she die. I told them the short version, and the older woman told me that the grave next to the one with the poinsettias was her son's grave. He was born 3 months early - the same as B - in 1964. He lived for 8 hours. (B lived for 46 hours.) I was so thankful that she shared her story with me, and it's amazing that there's another little preemie so close to B! I like to think that they're friends in heaven.

Drinking Problem

I had it ever so gently pointed out to me by a door greeter at Wal Mart, on my way out.

"Looks like someone has a drinking problem!!" followed by a big hearty laugh.

It hadn't occurred to me before, but I think it might be true. What started out as having a drink when I went out, to only on the weekends, has become several a day.

Coming to grips with this has been a slow process, but I think I'm ready to admit I have a problem.

I'm Haute Single Mama, and I'm a Diet Pepsi addict.

**Disclaimer: This post is a joke. It's not meant to offend, nor to trivialize what individuals with alcohol addictions go through in any way, shape or form. Alcoholism is a serious disease.

Ode to Reglan

This stuff is awesome. Amazing. I went from pumping 28 oz, sometimes less on days I was stressed out, to pumping 40 oz over the last 24 hour period. I pumped on average about 50-60 oz/day while E was in the NICU, so this feels more like 'normal' to me .I love it.

I was wondering why I couldn't take it long term, so I looked it up on trusty rusty Google. It warned of neurological problems like facial tics with prolonged use. So I dropped the whole long term idea immediately.

Everyone says your supply goes back down once you're done taking it, but I'm hoping maybe since I've increased my pumping frequency it will at least stay up a little bit!! That would be just so fab I can't even describe it.

Anyway, if you've tried everything else and still can't get your supply where you want it, I highly recommend trying Reglan. Really.

Let it Snow

It's supposed to snow where M is. A lot. It did that last year, when we were there together. Shortly after we moved there. Right after we lost B. I remember people telling us, "This never happens here."

I wonder what he's doing in the snow. Is he taking his girlfriend's baby, the same age as E (but full term) out to experience snow for the first time? Because that should have been E he was doing that with. We should all be there, together, a family. Our first family winter, our first family snow. But instead we're broken, and he's being a family, a daddy, with them instead.

Is he taking his girlfriend on romantic walks in the falling snow? Are they cuddling up inside and watching the snow fall from their nice warm apartment? Are they having flirty snowball fights? Because we should be doing that. As husband and wife.

All day I have been consumed with the impending holiday, and what could have, should have, might have been. I know I shouldn't be. I don't want to be with him, not after what he's done. But I miss who I thought he was. What I thought we had. What I hoped that we would have, and be.

To quote my beloved Elvis Presley (on whom I've been crushing since high school - I'll have to write a post about that sometime) "You'll be doing all right, with your Christmas of white, but I'll have a blue, blue Christmas."

Truth Be Told, I Miss You..

As Christmas nears, I find myself thinking of M. Thinking about how this should have been our first Christmas as a family. Thinking about how much I loved him - or more accurately how much I loved the man I thought he was.

I did. I loved him so much. I loved him in this amazing, weak kneed, butterflies, fairytale kind of way. We were perfect together. The biggest fights we ever had were when we were getting fast food, and neither of us wanted to choose :). (Don't act like you don't/didn't have that fight with your spouse/ex... you know you did. Everyone does. lol.) We were always so affectionate.. always holding hands or cuddling. It was like that up until the very end. Even while he was having the affair.. he played the part of the perfect husband.

The first time he cheated on me was hell. We were engaged.. I found out about it 6 days before we got married. It was awful. I spent my wedding night crying instead of doing what couples normally do on their wedding nights. I barely even remember the first 3 months or so of our marriage, I was in such shock, and so incredibly, horribly depressed.

I worked so hard on getting over it though, and slowly but surely, I did. Losing the babies then overshadowed all that had happened before, and I felt that we were so close and all that was behind us.

When I married him, I knew it was highly probable that he would cheat again. "Once a cheater, always a cheater" tends to hold true the majority of the time. But I was so in love with him, I knew that if I walked away, I would always wonder if we could have made it work.

Now I know. We couldn't. I couldn't. I couldn't hold his interest. And that's okay, I guess. I'm sorry that my son will never know an intact family. On the flip side, I'm grateful that it happened sooner rather than later - I'm still young, and E won't have to go through the trauma of divorce when he's old enough to know what's going on. Blessings in disguise, I guess.

But I still miss him, the man who was my husband.

Pumping Woes

I'm proud to say that E is fed breast milk exclusively. In the NICU, he was fed fortified breast milk, and then plain breast milk but 2 feedings a day of Enfamil Enfacare for the extra calories and iron. He never really needed the extra calories, he gained weight like a superstar, but he was really very anemic (barely escaped a blood transfusion in the NICU) so he needed the iron. He got off that when he hit 40 weeks, and has just had breast milk ever since.

I was a superstar pumper while he was in the NICU. About 4 weeks postpartum I was pumping 60 ounces a day. It was fab. I had a huuuuge freezer stash. I mean huge.

When I first brought him home, I totally thought nursing was going to work. I attempted nursing at all daytime feedings, but followed up with a bottle because he was still really small and I didn't want him losing weight. So I was still mostly pumping.

Then, the poop hit the fan and I found out about M's affair, and my milk supply went poof. Gone in an instant. I started taking More Milk Plus immediately and that got it back up, and I was even able to freeze a little. I'd say I was pumping about 35 oz/day. But that stuff is expensive and when it was gone I didn't buy more. I did okay for awhile but stopped having anything left over to freeze. Then M and I had a nasty fight and I needed to thaw some of the frozen stuff. So I bought some fenugreek and have been taking that 3 times a day religiously. It didn't help a whole lot.

Now I'm going on 5 months of pumping exclusively - I stopped trying to nurse after I found out about the affair - it was just too stressful at that point. I've tried since, but E rejects the breast. I think he doesn't recognize the texture as 'food,' and then since it takes a minute for let down he just gets frustrated and pulls off and screams. He'll latch with a nipple shield, but is very slow and will take almost a full feeding from a bottle after 30-45 min of nursing, so I don't think he's getting a whole lot. It's frustrating. So therefore, I'm still EP'ing.

Now that I'm going back to school, it would be sooo nice to have a freezer stash so I could just leave it at my sister's house for when she watches E. My big NICU stash got thrown away by M. I tried to have his parents bring some out when they brought my stuff out here, but they didn't ice it properly for the duration of the trip and it was all melted when it got here. *sigh* I wanted to donate it, but M didn't have time for nonsense like helping other people. Anyway, I'm considering asking my OB for some Reglan, but am concerned about the side effect of depression, since I'm on Zoloft and feeling fabulous on it. I don't want to feel un-fabulous quite yet. The fenugreek wasn't so helpful - I got a suggestion from the fabulous @earth_mommy on Twitter to try a combo of fenugreek and saw palmetto. Or I could just cough up and buy the More Milk Plus again, but it's just so painfully expensive... but it did work for me.

Today I've just been focusing on drinking lots of water and pumping faithfully every 3 hours. Hopefully that on its own will help, and then whatever I decide to do in addition will help get me a freezer stash!! This whole pumping thing is certainly not for the faint of heart... it's a ton of work!!

Makeover Monday

Today, I was sick of my hair. So I chopped it off.

I don't really like it. I have to be honest, it was a $20 Great Clips haircut. $20 was with a 30% tip. It looks like a $20 haircut. But that's okay. . who am I trying to impress? No one.

I like it because it's freeing, though. I chopped off all those dead ends, fried from the bajillion times M asked me to go blonde. I'd always say NO initially, because blonde is so high maintenance, and you can't really do it at home. But then he'd talk me into it, and I'd do it. And then it would grow out, and he wouldn't want to spend the money to have it done again.. so I'd dye it brown again. Over and over, the cycle repeated itself.

Well, I'm done with that. I'm done with changing myself so he would like me more. I'm done with abusing myself for what he wants. My all around health is my priority now - mental, physical, emotional - and that includes healthy hair.

So goodbye, split ends. Goodbye, chemically processed hair. And HELLO savings on shampoo, and 5 minute flat ironing. Oh how I've missed you.

The Swing

I set up a baby swing the other day - the one that M's sister gave us shortly after I got pregnant with E. It had previously been taking up real estate in the garage, because, well, instead of an apartment I now have a room, and let's face it, there's just not a whole lot of space. But I wanted to try it and see if he liked it, since the last time he was in it was before M and I split and E was still a 36-weeker. Back then he was strictly in it when I showered, and that's it, because I was terrified of him desatting in it if his head was at a weird angle or something. LOL. The worries of preemie moms.

Anyway, I found a spot for it in my tiny room, and he loves it. He actually looks at the little mobile and the lights, which he hadn't ever done previously (with other seats - the lights on his bouncy seat and stuff. Obviously he didn't care about mobiles when he was a 36-weeker). He's content in it for hours - if he starts to get fussy I just turn the lights and mobile back on and he's happy as a little clam.



I'm somewhat conflicted about this. I'm non-crunchy, but sort of a fan of AP. In a mild sense. I'm actually just a big fan of being with my baby. I like holding him, and wearing him, and having him with me every single second. However, there's a selfish, pre-mothering side of me that likes sitting here on my computer without maneuvering a baby on my chest or tied onto me with a piece of cloth. I can do things like fold laundry, which is impossible to do with one arm and difficult at best while wearing the baby (unless you do a back carry, but I don't know how yet, and I'm not convinced that E has the head control yet anyway. He's only 2 months old adjusted, after all). After I type this post, I'm going to do my nails - which, again, is difficult at best while holding or wearing.

It's so convenient, and he's happy, and I don't feel that I over use the swing. I still hold him a lot, at least I think. So why do I feel guilty?

All You Need is Love, But a Chanel Bag is a Glorious Substitute.

I watched Sex and the City the movie last night. While the credits rolled, this song by Fergie played. I had never heard it (I've been living as a prisoner of my marriage under a rock for the last couple years, so pardon me if it's popular). This is my attitude right now sans the actual buying of the stuff, since I'm absolutely positively broke. But if I weren't, this would totally be me.

Labels Not Love

Shopping for labels, shopping for love
Manolo and Louis, is all I’m thinking of
Shopping for labels, shopping for love
Manolo and Louis, is all I’m thinking of


I already know what my addiction is
I be looking for labels, I ain’t looking for love
I shop for purses while love walks out the door
Don’t cry, buy a bag and get over it
And, I’m not concerned with all them politics
Got a lot of men I know I could find another

But I know is that I’m always happy when I walk out the store, store
I guess I'm Supercalifragi-sexy, nothing to be playing with
I love him, hate him, kiss him, diss him,
Tryna walk a mile in my kicks

[Chorus:]
Love’s like a runway but which one do I love more
No emotional baggage, just big bags filled with Dior
Love’s like a runway, so what’s all the fussing for
Let’s stop chasing those boys and shop some more


I know I might come off as negative
I be looking for labels, I ain’t looking for love
But, relationships are often so hard to tame
A Prada dress has never broken my heart before
And, ballin's something that i'm fed up with
I’mma do the damn thing, watch me do the damn thing
Cause I know that my credit card will help me put out the flames

I guess i'm Supercalifragi-sexy, nothing to be playing with
I love him, hate him, kiss him, diss him
Tryna walk a mile in my kicks

[Chorus]

Gucci, Fendi, Prada versus purchasing them finer things
Men they come a dime a dozen, just give me them diamond rings
I’m into a lot of bling, Cadallic, Chanel and Coach
Fellas boast, but they can’t really handle my female approach
Buying things thats hard to say
Rocking Christian Audigier,
Manolo, or Polo, taking photos in my Cartier
So we can’t go all the way, I know you might hate it but
I’m a shop for labels while them ladies lay and wait for love

[Chorus]

Shopping for labels, shopping for love
Manolo and Louis, is all I’m thinking of
Shopping for labels, shopping for love
Manolo and Louis, is all I’m thinking of

Random Thoughts On: Shoes

Ahh, shoes. I love shoes. I dream of Louboutin and Prada, but I'm on a Steve Madden budget. Actually, more of a Payless budget these days :)

Gorgeous shoes, ugly shoes. Workout shoes. I've somehow done something to my ankles doing the 30 Day Shred barefoot. I'm not sure what I did, but my ankle joints now hurt when I walk. I've always had weak ankles, that was one of my biggest obstacles when I was in ballet en pointe. I want to get the Reebok EasyTones, but then I read the website and it said they're only recommended for walking, not for running or dance-like aerobic exercise. Boo. I'm not sure what kind I need to provide good ankle support, but I need to figure it out so I can get shredding again.

I read this poem after I lost Brie. About shoes. About infant loss. Here it is.

I am wearing a pair of shoes.

They are ugly shoes.

Uncomfortable shoes.

I hate my shoes.

Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.

Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step. Yet, I continue to wear them.

I get funny looks wearing these shoes.

I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.

They never talk about my shoes.

To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.

To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.

But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.

I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.

There are many pairs in this world.

Some woman are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.

Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.

Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.

No woman deserves to wear these shoes. Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.

These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.

They have made me who I am

I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

And it's true. I do wear those shoes every day.

I was watching Sex and the City today while I was pumping, and Carrie says,
"It's really hard to walk in a single woman's shoes -- that's why you sometimes need really special shoes!"

And that's true too.

I'm That Girl

While I was on hospital bed rest with E, I spent a lot of time on Baby Center. I especially liked to visit the BabyCenter Community and read all the drama on their Debate Team board. Some of those debates get super duper heated, and I was super duper bored so I read them.

Anyway, one of the really hot button issues is government assistance and its proper use. I read so. many. "debates" about how awful it is when some Latina takes her cash-stuffed Juicy Couture wallet out of her Coach purse while talking on her BlackBerry and pays for her groceries with an EBT card (food stamps, if you're unfamiliar).

I'm not Latina. But in every other sense, I'm now that girl.

My food stamp assistance just went through last week. I get $257 per month in benefits. Applying for assistance in the first place was the most humiliating and humbling thing I've ever done. But when your husband leaves you with an infant and no education, what choice do you have?

Anyway, it was the most humiliating thing, until I was using my EBT card for the first time and realized I'm totally that girl. Then I was completely mortified.

Yes, I have a Coach bag. It's a lovely Coach patchwork. It's a $400 bag that M bought me for $140 from a Coach outlet when he got his first bonus check from his job.



And in that Coach bag is a Juicy Couture wallet. M bought it for me for Christmas our second year together.

That Juicy wallet is stuffed with twenty dollar bills. Because I don't have my own bank account yet, my only choice is to carry around my $400/mo in child support that is my sole income around in cash. (FYI, I hate cash. I'm a chronically forgetful person and I lose everything.)

And M turned off my beloved BlackBerry, but if he hadn't, you can bet that I'd have been tweeting or something on it in the checkout line.

The thing I've learned is, don't judge too harshly. It may look like I'm taking government assistance and living it up, but the truth is, I'm not. I have nice things from before, when I had a husband to support me. I have a lot of cash in my wallet, but it's still in there because I'm terrified to spend it on anything in case I don't get child support next month. And I know for certain that the BlackBerry is a true addiction. Perhaps I need government funded BlackBerry rehab. :)

No More Silent Nights

In all of the hand-me-down clothes I was given for E, there's only one Christmas outfit.

It's a long sleeved onesie, and it says "All that Mommy wants for Christmas is a silent night."

Before he was born, as I was going through, sorting, washing, and putting away all the hand me downs we got, I found this onesie and was immediately stunned and horrified.

It really is an innocent enough sentiment. Normal moms, frazzled by sleep deprivation probably really do wish for a silent night. One full night of sleep. And I really do understand. It's a reasonable thing.

But angel mommies.. we don't wish for that. We've had far too many silent nights. Nights where there was no crying baby to wake us, but we still couldn't sleep because of the tears running down our cheeks, the ache in our hearts and in our empty arms. And when we did fall asleep, we dreamed that our baby was there to wake us. Or we had nightmares about the reason she was not.

After I lost Brie, I remember lying awake next to a snoring M, wishing so desperately to be pacing the floor with a screaming, colicky infant. I could not understand why anyone would ever complain about a baby crying. I only got to hear my daughter cry once, and it was the most beautiful sound in the world.

Now with E, I understand a little more. Sometimes he's exhausting. Sometimes it's infuriating that he just won't stop crying and I don't know why. But when I start to get frustrated, I remember how I felt during those silent nights and smile. I am so incredibly blessed. Bring on the noisy nights.

My Perfume Collection

I have a confession.

I'm a perfume addict. Although I prefer the term "perfumista."

My obsession started young, when I was about 12 or 13. I collected those body sprays you buy at Bath and Body Works or Victoria's Secret. I wore a lot of Love Spell, lol.

In college I could only afford one or two types of real perfume at a time. Like the kind from department stores. I started out with some Kenneth Cole scents and loved them.

The first Christmas M and I were together, he bought me a bottle of Juicy Couture. That made three fragrances. Kenneth Cole's Reaction and Black, and Juicy. And an assortment of body sprays, but those don't count.

After my miscarriage is when my obsession exploded. I started ordering from Nordstrom online like a crazy woman. My collection blossomed from a modest three fragrances to a slightly embarrassing sixteen.

Then, I discovered there were other people with my problem. I found Now Smell This, still one of my favorite blogs. There are people who comment on there who have waaayyyyy more perfume than I have, so it made me feel normal. Actually, it made me feel like my obsession was totally mild in comparison.

Since having Brie and Eli, I've only bought one fragrance for myself (Gucci Flora, if you're curious). Especially now being a single mom, I won't be able to indulge as often as I once could. I can still lust though :)

Here is my perfume collection as it stands. Hopefully there will be a new addition soon!

Wordless Wednesday

Well, nearly.

They say you can judge a woman by her library. Judge away, my dear friends.