Friday, March 19, 2010

Starting Solids

So. Lately E is very interested in what I'm eating. He watches my fork go from my plate to my mouth very intently. EVERYTHING is fair game for hand to mouth, although he still picks up things with his whole fist - no fine motor skills yet.

There is so much conflicting information out there about when to start solids. Of course, his pediatrician said I could start him around 4-6 months (actual!), but he was nowhere near ready then.

He's almost 8 months actual, 5 1/2 months adjusted now. And I'm not sure what to do.

As I said, he watches what I eat very intently. He will grab at my food occasionally, but not every time. I gave him some frozen breast milk chips, and he didn't tongue thrust them out or gag or anything. He seemed to like that.

Any advice? When did you start solids? What did you start with? Do you think it's time for me to introduce solids to him, or should I wait?

The Beginning of the End

Today was my first meeting with my attorney. I was put in touch with him by one of my good friends, and he's amazing. He was so nice, and even though I was incredibly nervous he made me feel a little more at ease.

We went over the things M and I have already talked about - visitation, child support, etc. I didn't realize we could put stipulations about alcohol and smoking (both of which M claims to have re-quit after he broke up with his girlfriend, but we all know how much I can trust anything he says) during visitation times. He let me know about that, and he thought the smoking thing would be especially appropriate due to E's prematurity. I was pleased.

He brought up something else... alimony. I had planned on asking for some, but didn't expect it to be a whole lot. Certainly a fraction of whatever child support was. Besides, we were only married for 2 years. But he suggested that I ask for a little less than DOUBLE child support in alimony.

I'm really struggling with that. My main concern is that I get enough money from child support/alimony/whatever you want to call it to cover daycare. I can handle diapers and food, and I have many generous friends who have given me hand me down clothes for E. The figure he's suggesting would put me a couple hundred dollars over that.

Which is great. Except.. I know M's stuck in the two bedroom apartment he moved into when he moved in with his girlfriend. I know what that apartment costs. I know how much he makes. I have a general picture of what his other bills are.

He simply can't afford it. There is NO WAY he can afford to pay me that much.

My attorney pointed out that the point of alimony is to try to maintain the lifestyle to which I've become accustomed, or at the very least equalize mine and M's standards of living. That would effectively do that - he'd have to move in with family or rent a room, which is what I'm doing. He wouldn't, however, have the luxury of being able to apply for public assistance, since he would still be in too high an income bracket (I think).

I'm just not sure how to reconcile this all. On the one hand, he caused this. He chose this for us. I didn't. And when you make a choice so rashly, the consequences usually crash down on you pretty heavily. That's life. And he has to live with the consequences of the choices he's made.

On the other hand.. I'm not the kind of person that can look at another person's unfortunate situation and say, "Sucks to be you!" I'm forever putting myself in other people's shoes, and when other people hurt, so do I. Even people I don't particularly like, or am mad at. Or who are just plain douchebags, as M is. I can't imagine inflicting that kind of stress on him. Even though he earned it. I've realized that this is an inherent personality flaw that I need to work on if I'm ever going to survive in this cruel, cold world, but that doesn't help me now.

The only thing that makes it seem even kind of okay is the realization that I have to look after E. Getting the money is best for him in the short term and the long term. I think.

Thoughts? Advice?

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

30 Day Shred - Level 2

Oh wow.

I just finished my first day of Level 2 of Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred.

I have to say... I didn't realize how comfortable I was with Level 1. I thought it was still kicking my butt. Then Level 2 provided me with the news flash: it wasn't!

I am sweating like crazy, and I even had to take a break in the middle to tend to a fussy E.

I feel that Level 2 is much better for abs than Level 1.. it has the same quantity of ab movements, but much better quality (for me). I feel it a lot more. Which I like. These abs need some SERIOUS work after 3 pregnancies in 16 months!!

Also, ARMS. And back!! I was majorly feeling that too.

And this is all the first time I did it - I always have to hang back and watch the move first before I attempt to do it myself. So I didn't even really do all the reps this time.

I love the 30 Day Shred. It's so fast, and so butt kicking.

Unfortunately, I don't have a tape measure, and I keep forgetting to get one, so I won't have inches lost for you guys once I'm done. All I'll have is weight loss and how my pants fit :) I did take a sort of before picture, but I'm not sure yet if I want to share it. It depends on how good my after picture looks!

Monday, March 8, 2010

And He's Back...

The drama llama, that is.

The drama llama indeed.

So yesterday, after I finished stalking M's Facebook as thoroughly as possible not being his friend anymore, I moved on to emailing his brother's wife. She still talks to me, mainly because she has her own issues with her husband/their family in general. The rest of the family has phased E and I out already, which I guess is fine.

Anyway, today, she was online and I started chatting with her. She told me what happened.

M's girlfriend cheated on him.

Oh, the sweet, sweet irony.

Consider the source, and the fact that this is all very grapevine-y - she doesn't talk to M herself (they don't like each other at all) so all this information is coming through her husband, to her, to me. And he likely leaves stuff out, because their relationship isn't that great.

But what she said is this: after a couple of months, GF told M she was feeling smothered and needed more time to herself. He grew more suspicious that she was lying about the places she was going. He ends up playing private investigator, and stalks her to one of her two baby daddies' houses. He then calls her, and asks her where she is. She tells him she's driving, on her way to pick up her kids from school.

I'm not sure what happened after that. I'm sure there was some kind of confrontation. The point is, they're not together anymore.

Also, I got a Facebook message from him today, saying that he's trying to transfer out here to a city about an hour and a half away from where I live. To be closer to E, and he wants to see E as much as possible. And his attorney is trying to figure out how much he's "supposed" to pay in child support, because he "needs to and wants to help support him." (Since when?! Pfffft. Put your money where your mouth is, kiddo.)

All of this is matter of fact and not very complicated, but being the drama queen that I am, I of course immediately started reading in between the lines.

And in doing so I realized that I'm looking for some kind of reconciliation attempt.

I want him to want me back. I want him to say "This is the biggest mistake I have ever made. You are the best thing that ever happened to me. Please, let's be a family again."

And so many times, I've pictured that very thing happening. This is soooo cheesy and embarrassing, you guys, I don't even know why I'm telling you. But I've totally pictured that sort of scenario, and then he leans in to kiss me.. and I start to lean in too... and then I slap his face and walk away, never to be heard from again. LOL. Okay, unrealistic. That only happens in movies. I could do it, but I'd slap him and then he'd look at me and be like "WTH?!" and it would be all awkward, and I would blush, and not be able to think of anything witty to say. And just generally look like a spaz.

Anyway. So then today my mom asked me "What if he starts pursuing you again? Would you give him another chance?" Actually, like five people have asked me today if I'm going to get back with him, his brother's wife included. And I can't tell anyone no.

Why?! He was horrid to me. Well, him cheating was just inexplicably awful.

But between the cheating, he was wonderful. Really, really wonderful.

I love him, and I miss him.

I could never trust him again. And I shouldn't ever trust him again, because this whole thing wasn't just a mistake. This is a pattern. He will probably treat women like this his whole life.

E and I, we deserve so much better. Especially E.

Is there better though? All the marriages I see around me have, if less dramatic, just as lethal problems as M and I had. What if I get into a new relationship and just get more of the same? What then?

None of this matters though, because he doesn't want me. That's the clincher ;). In his email, he was talking once again about getting the divorce finalized asap.

So it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what I would do, because whatever it is, I'm not going to get the opportunity to do it. He doesn't want me.

And that hurts all over again.

Saturday, March 6, 2010


I've been thinking about dating a lot lately.

I made the decision not to date until my divorce is final. A few people have found that quite strange, especially since M moved in with his girlfriend a month after I left.

As I've said several times on this blog, I really loved M. I did. He hurt me terribly several times, but oh, how I loved him. Even now, as angry with him as I am, when I look at pictures of him, I can still fondly think of how much I loved him. I was very unsure of our decision to go ahead and get married, and honestly, if we hadn't gotten married, I probably would have left him after what happened the first time he cheated. But - I can't explain it - I just loved him so much.

So when we did decide to make wedding vows, even though I was unsure of that decision, I did it with my whole heart. I meant those vows with everything in me. So I'll keep them, until the end.

I'm lonely though. I miss being married. I miss having someone to hold me while we're watching tv. Sleeping alone is so lonely. I just miss that companionship, and that feeling of being adored.

I can't wait for the fun of dating. The flirting. The chase. The butterflies, wondering what's going to happen next.

But I realized - I'm not ready. Even if the divorce was final tomorrow (which of course it won't be, since it's not even filed), I have nothing to bring to a relationship.

I go on dating websites, and daydream about the guys on them. I read their profiles, and they list all these things that they like to do. Outdoor activities. Reading. Movies.

And I realize - I'm boring. What do I do? I look after my son. I study. And for a social outlet, I blog and tweet. There isn't much time for anything else.

I have nothing to talk about other than what life has put me through. My thoughts are consumed by the situation with M, E's NICU days, the loss of my daughter, the miscarriage. I'm too serious. I don't have enough fun. I spend my days worrying. Planning. I'm not sure I know how to let loose and have fun anymore.

And that doesn't make for someone fun to date. Not at all.

Maybe I need more time. But what if I'm always like this? What if what life has put me through has damaged me permanently? I could end up alone.

And that makes me even more lonely.

No Longer Facebook Friends

M unfriended me on Facebook. I realized it last night, when his cousin (with whom I am still friends on Facebook) posted some pictures of this last Christmas. I went to look at them, and in the sidebar it said "You have 4 mutual friends." When dealing with the in-laws, we always, always have FIVE mutual friends. Who was missing?

I looked and of course, it was M. On the one hand, I'm glad I don't have to stare at the smug picture he posted of him and his girlfriend all the time anymore. And I had him on limited access to my profile anyway, and I'm pretty sure he had me limited on his (I didn't ever really go poking through it), so it's not like that matters.

The principle of it is that Facebook is the way we decided on communicating about E. It is the form of communication I've told him is best for him to contact me. Before I had my BlackBerry back, I never checked my email - it always slipped my mind because I was so used to it coming to my phone. I generally check Facebook every couple of days, so it's more convenient.

It really shocked me that he unfriended me just for that reason. I believe I can still send him inbox messages, but what a pain. I of course will still send him monthly updates on E, although him unfriending me certainly seems like he doesn't care whether he gets them or not. He didn't even acknowledge that he got the last one I sent.

**Okay, so while writing this post I went to double check to see if his messages that he sent me were still there. They are, but I noticed he changed his picture from the one with him and his girlfriend to one of him by himself, and also his picture album that he titled "The Family" that had pictures of his girlfriend and her kids is gone. It could be that I just can't see it because we're no longer friends.. but it makes me wonder. I wonder if all is well with those two?! I emailed his sister in law who I sometimes talk to... maybe she has the scoop. I'll let you guys know what I find out, lol.**

Anyway, I'm annoyed and a little offended that he unfriended me. It's not that I'm having trouble with him moving on... he had moved on before it ended between us. I just feel that it's petty and it's frustrating, because it's the only form of communication we were really using. I guess it doesn't matter.. but still.

UPDATE: @graciekate informed me that M's girlfriend's MySpace relationship status says single. Interesting.... It previously said "In A Relationship."

Friday, March 5, 2010

The 30 Day Shred Will Waste Your Money

As you may have noticed, I've changed my weight loss ticker to say that I'm losing 20 lbs by MAY instead of by SPRING BREAK.

The reason for this is twofold. One, I slacked off my 'diet' and ate too many Oreos. Two... spring break starts on Monday, and I have lost six pounds instead of twenty. Oops.

However, I'm back on the wagon, and doing Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Shred with @singlemom75. We have both skipped a day here and there (let's face it - when you have kids, they dictate your schedule. Some days they try to sabotage your workouts. It happens.) but are going strong!!

The only problem is... I just bought some pants. A size smaller than the pants I was wearing when I got married. They were a little snug when I bought them... and now they're a little loose. I'm thinking about going and buying the next size down.

Total waste of money ;) lol.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

7 Months!

Wow, E is already 7 months!! He's been outside my tummy longer than he was in! My, how time flies. I of course have been pumping for 7 months now too - I just love these milestones. Each one keeps coming more and more quickly. I'm sad to see my baby growing up so fast, but so happy to see those pumping months flying by! 

For 7 months, I want to show a profile picture I took of him just the other day compared to the profile 3D ultrasound I used to have sitting on my bedside table while I was on hospital bed rest. I don't know why it amazes me that he looks the same, because after all, it was him the whole time! But I find it astounding ;)

(You have to look at this for a second, but his profile is on the left hand side. You can see his hand and arm in the middle of the picture.)