Sunday, January 24, 2010


I've felt very, very sad all day today. I'm not really sure why. Nothing happened.

Maybe it's stress from starting school, and now that things have kind of calmed down for the weekend it's hitting me how difficult this is going to be balancing a baby and school.

Or it could be because of the wacky dreams I had last night. The first one was really, really strange. M and I were still married, but he was with his girlfriend. The girlfriend didn't look how she looks in real life though - she looked like Megan Fox. But she was pregnant. Anyway. M and I were still married, but he was with her, but he and I were having an affair. Even though we were still married. Lol. Don't ask, it was weird. But strangely, it left me missing him.

The second one is a recurring dream that I've had probably 3 or 4 times since I was admitted to the hospital at 23 weeks with E. I'm in the hospital, on bed rest, but there's an isolette by my bed. In the isolette are 3 babies, still in their amniotic sacs. There's a really small one, a medium one, and a biggish one (relatively - they're all small). I'm supposed to be keeping them safe by staying on bed rest but one by one the amniotic sacs rupture - first the littlest one, then the medium one, and finally the big one. All the babies die, and there is nothing I can do. I can only assume that this is a fairly literal dream - the smallest baby being my miscarried baby, the middle one being B, and the big one being E. I wasn't able to protect any of them the way I was supposed to, although I got lucky with E and he lived. Anyway, I have it every so often and it's always disturbing.

Another possible reason for the sadness is that I've run out of Zoloft. It has only been two days though, and I hardly think it could be out of my system that fast. Regardless, I'm going to call my doctor on Monday and ask for another prescription. He only wrote me 3 months the first time and I just haven't gotten around to calling him since I've been so busy with school stuff. I simply adore Zoloft. I wish I'd been on it while I was married. I'd have been a much better wife. Maybe M wouldn't have cheated, I don't know. At the very least the house probably would have been cleaner and I might have stayed thinner. And those were the problems that M said he had so... who knows.

Also, it's nearing the first anniversary of B's due date. She should have been born on or around February 16th, 2009. I'm going to decorate her grave for Valentine's this weekend. All the anniversaries are hard though... thinking about all that could have, should have, might have been.


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