Friday, June 24, 2011

This Is My Baby Girl

This is the first time I saw my little girl.

This was the first time I held her hand.

This was when we were still fighting to save her life. She was drowning in her own blood and in so much pain even high doses of morphine would not stop her thrashing. She had to be restrained so she wouldn't cause more damage to herself.

This is when the fight had ended. Minutes after this, her breathing tube was taken out and she passed away in my arms.

This is her in her burial gown, lying in her teeny tiny coffin. She's wearing the gown I was blessed in as a baby. It  was huge on her, as I was 7 lbs and she was 1 lb 15 oz.

This was one of the last times I got to hold her. I had to put her in her coffin and watch as the top was sealed shut forever. 

This November she would be turning 3. I would be getting ready to enroll her in ballet lessons this fall, or maybe I would wait until spring depending on how she was doing developmentally. I would be buying cute girl clothes - she'd have an adorable swimming suit and we'd be playing in the water all summer long.

Instead, I'm growing frustrated at the lack of Independence Day decorations there are at my local dollar store. So I can decorate her grave. You know, this place:

Because that's all I can do for her now. 

So excuse me that I'm not jumping for joy that my sister is having a baby girl. The "first girl grandchild." This baby won't be the first. Everyone will get to buy her frilly things, and she will get to take ballet, and do all the things that I will never do with my baby girl. But she will never be the first female grandchild, because my baby girl was first.

Excuse me that I take offense when my sister hopes that, since her due date is in November, that she will have the baby on 11/11/11. It's a "cool date." She doesn't remember, but B would have been 3 years old that exact day. That's my daughter's birthday. Furthermore, 11/11/07 was my wedding date. B was born on our first anniversary, and the man I married just had a baby with another woman. When he has nothing to do with our son. Who I stayed in the hospital on bed rest for six weeks to get here, sat every day in the NICU with him for another 45 days praying every minute that he wouldn't die like his sister, and pumped breast milk for the first twenty months of his life, because I just knew if I didn't and he died, it would be my fault. He simply abandoned us after all of that and is having a wonderful life with a woman who can clearly produce full term babies. I call mercy. I am inferior, and I know it.

Excuse the fact that all of this information is overwhelming to me. Excuse me for being heartbroken over everything I have lost. Excuse me for letting that heartbreak be exacerbated by everyone else's joy.


  1. I'm so sorry, darlin. It's not fair. None of it's fair. *hugs*

  2. Don't apologize. You have every single right to be angry, sad, and everything else you are feeling!! Your daughter is so gorgeous, so perfect. She is the first granddaughter, even if everyone doesn't remember.

    You don't have to be strong all the time. Feel what you need to feel. And we are here when you need to let it out.

    Huge huge hugs, and I am so sorry that no one is there for you and no one remembers her. It isn't fair, or right.


  3. my heart just breaks for you. You have been through so much and I wish I could do something to help. :-( Though your sister deserves to be excited I think she still needs to be considerate of your feelings as well. That date is obviously significant and no amount of time will make you forget it.

    you are amazing. i'm sure your daughter loves that she is still loved by you.

  4. I'm so sorry! I think it's totally okay for you to feel like you do about this, it's normal and human. I agree with MyLyn, it matters a lot to Brie that she is still loved by you and E.

    Matt may have his girlfriend (for now) and a full term baby... but you have sweet little E who is so much stronger than any full term baby, and Matt will never ever have the kind a relationship that you have with him because he abandoned him and kids do not get over that, but you have been constant and loving and sacrificing so much for E and he will always remember that.

  5. You should not be sorry...for any of that. They should all be sorry...cause they're all assholes. They're lucky I don't live near enough to you to tell them all that too.

    If you need me...text me! *hugs*

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  7. I seriously bawled my eyes out reading this. In my mind, the challenges you've gone through the past few years are more than some people encounter in a life time--losing a child (the worst thing, I think) and having your husband be unfaithful!!!!). I love you so much and admire your courage to carry on after your double heart break. Speaking from my own experience with infertility, I know how insensitive people can be. I'm sorry that you're encountering this with your family. Just know that you are in my thoughts. My heart aches for you that you're going through such a hard time. Love you!

  8. What a strong woman you are..hang in there. We are all children of GOD and we forget he can call us home anytime- some he calls home before we even get to meet them-so he calls home very erarly in life and some later in life but we all are his children and he calls us home anytime- i know it hurts- i am grieving for a loved one too.....

  9. I don't even know what to say. Your feelings are totally validated. I am so sorry that many hurts have been placed on your heart. You deserve to be pulling your hair out running from ballet, to soccer, to art classes and sleepovers. You will have fun things like that with your precious baby boys though. It is not the same, or meant to dismiss... you need a big huge hug. I hope some peace comes to your heart and your family realizes how stupid they're being by calling your sisters baby the 1st granddaughter. Your little girl may be an angel, but she was def the 1st. She was tiny and beautiful.

  10. I just read all of this & I have to tell you my daughter was born at 26weeks & was in the NICU. She was born October 21, 2008 & she passed away Nov. 26, 2008. So that means my daughter would also be turning 3 very soon. My dad looks at my brother & always tells him he better not make him a grandpa anytime soon because he don't want any grand babies soon & it makes me so mad because he already is a grandpa to my lil angel even though she is not here with any of us. I am so sorry for your loss. but there is one thing I promised my daughter i would do every year on her birthday. I take the people that are close to me out to her grave & we sing happy birthday & let go some balloons & lay some flowers. I have a hard time going to her grave. I am younger then you but my daughter still means everything to me & i'm still a mother. I feel your pain. your daughter is truly beautiful & she is watch over you.! & i do not have a profile to post this from but if you have fb i made a page in memory of my daughter & here it is.

  11. i sorry 4 what happened to you and your girl. but you just sound like a brat selfish little child. and that everything is about you. yes what happened to you must have really hurt. and so what your ex or what ever he is, is having a child. ya maybe he wants a girl who can give healthy babies. be happy you have your son. yes always remember her, but right now your son is the only thing that should matter. not what your sister thinks, or who your fam is calling "the 1st girl". be happy with your son. your so selfish, i cant have any of my own biological children. i will have to adopt or 3rd party. be happy with what you have.

    1. I'm just passing by and I just wanted to reply to the april 11, 2013 comment. Go f*** yourself. There's a reason why you can't have biological children and the rest of humanity thanks God for it. It's bad enough with entitled bitches like you in the world, we don't need you to spawn and create more little shits like yourself. So, no, you are the selfish little brat and you can stuff your hate right up your ass where it belongs you miserable bitch.

      Second, I am so very sorry for the loss of your daughter, the ambivalence of your family to your feelings of the situation and for your ex being a total d-bag (of course, I speak from experience, it will only be a matter of time before he does the same to her- once a d-bag, always a d-bag). I wish you the best. Take care!