Tonight I snapped. It's not the first time, and unfortunately I'm sure it will not be the last.
The last week of this break from school has been completely overwhelming. My mom and step dad were gone for four days for a funeral and my body of course chose that time to get sick. So was all alone with the baby with the sorest throat I ever remember having - I even went to get checked for strep (it wasn't) it was so bad. I hung on though, knowing that help was coming. My parents would be home soon and they would help. So I bucked up, took a butt load of Dayquil, got the house nice and clean for them when they got home, trying to make everything as stress free as possible.
They did come home. But then they were sick. They spent the better part of two days in bed, leaving me to manage E by myself. It wasn't too bad, because I was feeling a lot better, so again I tried to be as helpful as possible.
Then yesterday, E caught what they had. He had a high fever (104!) and a cough and was just miserable. He clung to me all day long and I enjoyed the snuggle time (although I was worried about him).
But today. Oh, today. I caught it too, although it seems to be mild. I just have major, major sinus pressure and I can't breathe. E still isn't feeling well today, and he was particularly whiny. I held on all day though. There was light at the end of the tunnel. I was sure that if I just waited for my mom to get home, she would help and give me a break.
Ha. They say hope breeds eternal misery, and so it did today. This evening everyone plopped themselves on the couch to hunker down for prime time guilty pleasure TV viewing, and I was the one left chasing E up and down and up and down and up and down the stairs. When my family members had the audacity to ask me what was for dinner and if we had any chocolate in the house... well, that was when it happened.
I stomped around and took E for a bath. He kept standing up in the bathtub and nearly slipping, and finally I yelled at him to SIT DOWN. WE SIT DOWN IN THE TUB!!!!
How awful is that? My kid has the worst sickness of his life so far and I yell at him to sit down in the bathtub. He probably doesn't even understand what I'm saying, only that I'm yelling at him. Me, his mother, his only parent, the only person responsible for him in the whole wide world.
Then my mother, probably fearing I was about to shake him to death or something (which I was not even close to, just to be clear) came up and asked me why I was so angry, and I just spilled my guts. Got my brother in trouble in the process. Told her it wasn't her fault, but that I was sick of the boys (my brother and step dad) doing absolutely nothing to contribute to the family while she and I do everything.
I'm tired. There is so much pressure on me. The divorce (and the dollar amount it is costing me) is weighing on me. I'm applying to nursing school this semester and I have to take the entrance exam which I haven't spent a whole lot of time studying for because - surprise surprise - no one has been available to help me with E. It's so much pressure trying to get my application as strong as possible. On top of all of that, I feel like I am expected to do everything domestically speaking, but I don't even get to do everything my way because I live under someone else's roof. I can't cook the meals I'd normally make because no one likes them. I can't clean the way I normally would because half of the things aren't mine and I don't know what to do with them. I'm in a state of eternal limbo in almost every area of my life, and it's just wearing me down.
I really have no outlet other than this blog and Twitter. Poor Katie has to listen to me rant like a raving lunatic because I don't have any other friends who are as sympathetic and non judgmental as she is.
Luckily, school starts on Monday. That will give me at least a little bit of a break, and E will have fun seeing his friends at the babysitter's. This semester shouldn't be too tough other than trying to get my nursing application together, so that's good. I'm definitely making a counseling appointment at the student wellness center right away, and I'll be exercising as well. Hopefully those endorphins will make it a little easier for me to deal. I hope to start yoga again as well, but we'll see since I have to do that at home.
Anyway. Sigh. Thanks for reading this far if you even did. There is something so cleansing about getting stuff out on the internet ;) xoxo