I've been thinking about dating a lot lately.
I made the decision not to date until my divorce is final. A few people have found that quite strange, especially since M moved in with his girlfriend a month after I left.
As I've said several times on this blog, I really loved M. I did. He hurt me terribly several times, but oh, how I loved him. Even now, as angry with him as I am, when I look at pictures of him, I can still fondly think of how much I loved him. I was very unsure of our decision to go ahead and get married, and honestly, if we hadn't gotten married, I probably would have left him after what happened the first time he cheated. But - I can't explain it - I just loved him so much.
So when we did decide to make wedding vows, even though I was unsure of that decision, I did it with my whole heart. I meant those vows with everything in me. So I'll keep them, until the end.
I'm lonely though. I miss being married. I miss having someone to hold me while we're watching tv. Sleeping alone is so lonely. I just miss that companionship, and that feeling of being adored.
I can't wait for the fun of dating. The flirting. The chase. The butterflies, wondering what's going to happen next.
But I realized - I'm not ready. Even if the divorce was final tomorrow (which of course it won't be, since it's not even filed), I have nothing to bring to a relationship.
I go on dating websites, and daydream about the guys on them. I read their profiles, and they list all these things that they like to do. Outdoor activities. Reading. Movies.
And I realize - I'm boring. What do I do? I look after my son. I study. And for a social outlet, I blog and tweet. There isn't much time for anything else.
I have nothing to talk about other than what life has put me through. My thoughts are consumed by the situation with M, E's NICU days, the loss of my daughter, the miscarriage. I'm too serious. I don't have enough fun. I spend my days worrying. Planning. I'm not sure I know how to let loose and have fun anymore.
And that doesn't make for someone fun to date. Not at all.
Maybe I need more time. But what if I'm always like this? What if what life has put me through has damaged me permanently? I could end up alone.
And that makes me even more lonely.