Sunday, October 31, 2010

That Time of Year

It's that time of year again. Most people start getting excited for the holidays.. for Thanksgiving and Christmas and all of the wonderful things that come with it. 

I was like that, once upon a time. 

But now, the passing of Halloween just sends me into a downward spiral. I can feel it happening and I can't stop it. 

My birthday. Oh, how I loathe it. It's coming up next week, and the past 5 years or so have brought awful things right around my birthday. I won't bore you by enumerating them; suffice it to say that I'm bracing for impact. Plus, I'll be 24, and that's getting pretty old to be a student, living with my mom, and being basically a loser. Blah.

B's birthday. Two days later, her angelversary. That brings such a mixed bag of loaded feelings, and I can't even describe it. Happy that I had her for the time I did, devastated that I lost her, feeling like whatever I do to commemorate isn't enough or is too much or is just not quite appropriate. She would be turning two this year. 

Thanksgiving. I'm looking forward to this a little bit since E eats now, but other than that... meh. It stopped being a fun day when my parents split up (I was twelve) and this year my mom is giving me trouble about refusing to be in the same room as my sister. Last year she (the sister) ambushed me and I was not a happy camper about it. Yuck. 

Christmas. It will be a little fun - I already have most of E's presents (yay for thrift store finds!) and I'm happy with the quality and quantity, so that's good. We're not doing a big tree, because E is Mr. Destructo so my mom obviously doesn't want to risk her ornaments and things. Plus it's dangerous for him. That's fine but feels a little bah-humbug-y. We'll have a small ceramic tree that my mom has had since I was a little girl, so that's good. And again with the awkward family situation. Just ick. 

And New Year's. I totally thought I would be divorced and maybe even be dating by New Year's 2011, and neither of those events look like they're even remotely probable in the near future. So, 2010 fail. I did get 3 semesters of college done, which is good. Silver lining. 

All in all, I'm a total Scrooge after Halloween, you guys. I know it's stupid and awful, and I'm doing my darndest to try to at least put on a happy face. I've started some new anti anxiety meds for the whole thing, so hopefully that will keep me a tiny bit sane. Please forgive me if my updates are sparse or morose. 


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