Mine and Nobody Else's

I got an email from my attorney today.

M is offering to terminate his parental rights in exchange for no child support, no alimony, not paying for my attorney's fees, and marital debt divided equally.

So basically, he walks away scot free, and I'm left with 99% of the responsibility and no help.

The thought of never having to see him again is awesome. The idea that I will never, ever have to turn E over to him and be sick with worry the whole time? Better than I can say. In many ways, it's what I was hoping for.

Now that I'm staring it in the face, though, I'm having a little bit of trouble with it. First of all, I feel like I've been screwed over. When I got back together with M, I had just rehabilitated my credit from the havoc my last boyfriend had caused. I married M and our financial situation was not ideal, and that was compounded by my pregnancies. He also cheated me out of my goals. I never wanted to have children until I was finished with school, and he talked me into it after his sister got pregnant. He convinced me that it would be better and healthier for me to have children young, and to go back to school once they were in school. I gave in. I wouldn't trade any of my babies for anything, but I do wish I was in a position to be able to provide for E. The way I planned to be. I made so many decisions based on the fact that he promised to be there, and he's just left me high and dry. I just feel so taken advantage of... violated... used.

Secondly, my heart breaks for E. What am I going to tell him when he gets older? How am I going to explain that money was more important to his father than he was? M can't undo relinquishing his rights. Once it's done, it's done forever. And he's making the decision like it's nothing. He's legally disowning him. Saying I have no rights to this child, nor do I have any obligation to him. I just... I have no idea how someone could do that. No idea.

And lastly, the thought of being the sole person responsible for this little life terrifies me. I know that I've been doing that all along, but there was the hope of financial support, at least. I'll legally be the only person in the world responsible for this precious child. Tonight, that feels like a lot of weight to bear. What if I can't do it? What if I can't provide for him? I'm just terrified. I don't have parents who can financially save me. It's just so staggering to be the only one.

So, I'm not sure what to make of it. My attorney said to call him on Monday. There's not too much I can do until then.

Tonight, I'm just wishing that I had someone to lean on. Some semblance of stability and security in my life.

But I don't. I just have E. And that's really wonderful. He's going to be all mine. No one can take him from me, not even for visitation. I just need to focus on that.