Wits' End

I posted on Twitter about this, but it's just way too much for 140 characters. I would spam up everyone's timeline with my whining. ;)

This morning I am totally at my wits' end with everything. E was up 3 or 4 times last night, for no apparent reason. I tried cosleeping with him in my twin bed - yeah... doesn't work now that he's HUGE. So, this morning I'm totally exhausted, but I'm trying to get back into a sort of groove since school starts again in two weeks. I figured I'd let E play for a little bit and he'd go back down for a nap (he normally gets up at 7 after sleeping through the night and naps at 9:30, so since he was up a few times in the night and up for the morning at 6:30, I was anticipating a really good nap).

He finally got tired and I snuggled him and fed him a bottle. He was asleep, and I went to put him in his crib so I could start my day. I totally tripped on one of his stupid toys (that I usually clean up before we do naptime, but he was really whiny so I skipped it this one time in favor of the bottle) and it totally jarred him awake. I put him in his crib anyway, gave him his giraffe and his blanket, turned the music on, and went to the bathroom, hoping he'd have fallen asleep by the time I was done. Nope! He was crawling around in his crib, hitting his head on everything possible, and awake as can be. Great.

This is when I posted on Twitter. It doesn't seem like such a huge deal - so he skipped a nap. Move on. But I'm trying to get into the habit of working out regularly again, and I just don't know when to do it. I used to be able to put him in his swing or jumperoo, but now that he's mobile I have no idea what to do with him. We have very limited space - I have one bedroom of a 1500 or so square foot, 3 bedroom condo. Yeah. He can't crawl around in any of the other rooms, because my mom's house is and always has been clutter city, so my room is the only "safe" place that he can go around and not have a really close eye on him. My room houses a daybed, a dresser, a nightstand, a crib, and a jumperoo, so floor space is limited. If I let him crawl around, he'd be under my feet the whole time. I've asked my mom if I can help her move some of her boxes out of the hallway, so I could close off all the other doors (except mine) and he can play there, but she always says she "needs to go through them" and of course, never does. So my only option is to try to do it while he's napping, praying the whole time that the noise of me working out doesn't wake him up. Which is stressful enough, so when he didn't nap in the first place, it just threw me into a total funk.

The problem with the house is not a gigantic problem. It's not filthy, it's just cluttered because my mom downsized from a larger house, and doesn't know how to purge things. Somehow she doesn't get that if it's been sitting in a box for two years, you probably don't need whatever is in it. Especially when you're not even sure what's in it. I'm sure she's overwhelmed with it, because that's her personality. She can't just say "Okay, today I'm going to do this one box." She looks at the entire thing as a whole, gets overwhelmed, and doesn't even start. I can't do it for her, because it's not my stuff. If it were up to me, I'd load all those boxes in my car and have them dropped off at Salvation Army or something. But it's very frustrating to me - and trust me, I'm far from a clean freak - because it makes it so I have to either be cooped up in my room, or worry that E is going to get into something that could hurt him.

The next thing (sort of unrelated, but stressing to me) is that my mom decided she's going to go on this diet. That's great, because she really does have some lifestyle changes that need to be made (just like I do!). But the way she's doing it is totally, totally unsustainable. She's doing Body for Life, if you're familiar with it, but instead of learning to make actual meals using the guidelines in the book, she thinks she's just going to eat one protein, one carb, and one vegetable from her list for 6 meals a day until she loses the weight, plus some outrageously expensive protein shakes. And by that I mean she eats plain cottage cheese, unseasoned boiled chicken breast... you get the idea. It's completely unsustainable, especially for someone who actually enjoys food. So I know this is totally her business, but the way it involves me is that now, since she can't eat what she regularly makes for family dinners, she's just going to stop making them altogether. Fine, but she has a husband and a son who she has taught to be totally reliant on her cooking. And when she doesn't cook? They look to me. I absolutely despise that neither of them ever pick up the slack and make a simple pot of spaghetti, sandwiches, anything, but I can't change that. And let's face it, I want to eat too. So now, the burden of cooking rests on me. I could handle that. I cooked for M for 3 years, and for myself for 2 years before that after I left home. The thing is, everyone in this house is so freaking picky. My mom won't eat anything that isn't standard meat-and-potatoes fare (think meatloaf and mashed potatoes, breaded chicken and mashed potatoes, breaded chicken and rice-a-roni, etc.). Her husband... well, I don't really know what it is he likes, but during fall semester I was cooking a lot and he liked very little of what I made. I didn't realize it until he started telling my mom how fettucine alfredo is so bland the night after I made it, while I was sitting right there on the couch with them. I stopped cooking after that. Lazy, unappreciative men can eat cold cereal, for all I care. I do feel bad for my little brother, though, who, although he takes after his father and step father by not helping one bit, is not too picky and actually likes most of what I make. And again, I don't want to eat cold cereal every night! So I know that whole paragraph totally didn't go anywhere, but the point is, I'm frustrated and stressed about the whole situation.

I'm also frustrated about the general cleanliness of the downstairs area. It would be so easy to do if everyone just did a little bit every day, but my step dad and brother (who are home all day, every day, and are in front of the television and computer screens, respectively) won't do anything without specifically being told. My mom thinks that they're old enough (50 and 15) to not have to be told, so she doesn't, and she doesn't do it herself (which I don't blame her for, she works 10 hour days! Who wants to come home and clean after that?) so it just doesn't get done. I still feel a little uncomfortable doing it, because I feel like it's going to be more offensive than helpful since it's not my house - does that make sense? I of course clean up after myself, and do the dishes, and things like that, but I'm talking about mopping the floors, vacuuming, stuff like that. I approached her about making a chore chart, so we can all be responsible for something and not step on each other's toes, but she didn't really seem that into it. So I either live with it, or do it all myself. And yeah, I would be doing it all myself if I lived in my own apartment, but it just feels different because it's not my house.


Sigh. I don't know. None of this really bothered me before E was mobile - it wasn't a big deal to be cooped up in our room. But now it is, and I don't know what to do! I guess I just suck it up, and do it all myself. Cook, clean, take care of the baby, for a family of 5. Plus school, plus hospice volunteering, and dealing with M/the divorce/everything else emotionally.

I seriously hope this gets easier.