Christmas Break

Merry Christmas, a few days late! I don't have our Christmas pictures uploaded yet, and I'm too lazy to go get my camera, so that will have to wait for another post. We had a fabulous Christmas and I hope everyone else did too!

I'm enjoying my time off of school. We're just hanging out - not too much to do! It's been very rainy here in the desert which is pretty rare, so we've been hunkering down at home since we don't really know what to do when water falls from the sky!

Since we've had so much at-home time, I decided that it's the perfect opportunity to try out cloth diapering. It's popular with a lot of my bloggy friends, and if they jumped off a bridge, I'd totally do it too. (J/k. Sort of.) So here we go!! I'm trying out the 5 diapers that I currently own - E's had his little bum covered in cloth all day today and so far, so good. They're all different brands so we'll have to see which becomes the favorite. Watch for some cloth diaper reviews and giveaways coming up in the next couple of months!

And that's that. We're just lying low. I hope everyone else is getting some down time to spend with their loved ones too!! Happy Holidays, everyone!

It's That Time of Year!

I haven't gotten too into the holiday spirit for the last few years. I used to be a Christmas FREAK, and start listening to Christmas music in like September, AND celebrate Christmas in July. But life (at least my life!) has a way of wearing you down, and suddenly the holidays are a source of loneliness and anxiety rather than good will and cheer.

I'm trying to change that this year though. I really want Christmas to be fun for E, and since he's big enough this year to have a little bit of an understanding that something fun is going on, I figured no better time to start than the present! So today we went out and decorated B's grave for Christmas. It was a lot of fun picking out everything, and decorating. E even helped a little! Today he was the most well behaved at the cemetery than he ever has been before - I think it has to do with the fact that he can walk now, so he just toddled around while I did the decorating instead of whining like he usually does. It was so much fun with a happy boy!

Here are some pictures of the decorations! I saw a few other graves that looked like they had some Christmas-crazy family members too ;) So it's not just me!

Pumping Milestone - 16 Months

I haven't written a ZOMG LOOK HOW LONG I'VE BEEN PUMPING!!! post since I hit a year. But I decided that I'd do one this month, because sixteen? Sounds like a very big number.

E is still drinking a lot of breast milk (around 30 ounces a day). That's kind of a lot for a 16 month old (even for a 13.5-adjusted-for-prematurity-month old). He's also been eating very little actual food, which is where the problem really lies. You know, "Food before one is just for fun!" Well, we've been there, done that, got the T-shirt and it's not fun and games anymore. He should be eating, especially because he's severely anemic. To the point that he was showing symptoms of anemia so I took him to the pediatrician to have his hemoglobin tested. It was quite low - lower then it had been when it was last checked (9 months old). Yep, definitely (very) anemic.

So the time has come.....




You thought I was going to say I'm quitting. BAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Nope.

The time has come to try pureed baby food again instead of the baby led weaning, because I've just got to get some iron into that boy. I'm giving him prescription iron drops and everything but I'd rather he get it from diet, so there we are. Breast milk is relatively low in iron but the amount that it does have is very absorbable so he can still have it if he wants.

In other pumping related news, this week I got my very first plugged duct. That's right, the first and only in 16 months. That's pretty dang lucky, if you ask me. It hurts enough to be really annoying. I'm doing warm compresses and showers and pumping like crazy, like I tell all those other people who get plugged ducts to do, but have never had to do myself. Hopefully it clears up soon, because I'll be pretty bummed if it turns into mastitis. I told my mom and she's all "That would be enough to make me wean!" and I'm all "Heck no, I'm hardcore."

Seriously though I'm hoping to make it through the winter still pumping. Since E doesn't qualify for Synagis this year I really want him to have the little immunity boost that the breast milk gives him. I don't really have a problem with keeping going until he's 2, unless it somehow becomes a huge inconvenience for me. I'm  pretty used to it by now so I don't really see that happening. We'll see. Stay tuned.


Disclaimer: I wrote this post when I should have been sleeping. Enough said. 

Pardon the Dust

My blog is getting a little dusty, as I'm totally swamped with finals. Sorry about that. Also, because I'm such a good student, I've been blowing off studying tonight and tinkering with my blog design (I suppose "design" is a strong word, since I'm just making it up as I go along. Design sounds professional. Which it's not.). So pardon the construction dust too. 

Only two more weeks of school... and then I get three weeks off! Woo hoo!! 

Fight For Preemies

Prior to the birth of my daughter, I knew nothing about preemies. I never dreamed I'd have her early. I'd had a previous early miscarriage, so I knew that the possibility of losing her before 12 weeks gestation was there. I thought once I hit the magical 12 week mark I was "safe" and would carry to term.

I was so wrong.

1 in 8 babies is born before 37 weeks (March of Dimes). One in eight. Before I had my preemies, I didn't know about the NICU. I didn't know about the tubes and the wires, the ventilator and the bililights. I thought it would be cute for the baby to come a little early, because it would be so small. 


I had no idea.

No idea what small was. No idea that small isn't cute. It's frightening. 


I've had two preemies. One was 26 weeks, and the other 29 weeks and 2 days. I have to add the two days, because with preemies, every hour in the womb counts.

26 weeks, 29 weeks 2 days. Both were very early. How do you measure that difference? How can you put a value on 3 weeks and 2 days in the womb?

B, Day 1. Born at 26 weeks. 

E, Day 1. Born at 29 weeks 2 days. 

The diaper on the left is a Pamper's Preemie sized diper. It's the size E's wearing in his picture. On the right, is a Pamper's micropreemie diaper. It's the size B's wearing in her pic. And it was huge on her. My BlackBerry is just for size reference.

E's NICU blood pressure cuff on top, B's on the bottom.

B's footprints vs. E's footprints. A quarter in the middle, for size reference.

This was E's birthday this year...

And this was B's. 

When I think of fighting for preemies, I think of preventing preemies. Medicine will never be able to create an equivalent to the womb. Even if B had lived, she would never have sailed through NICU like E did. 

So pregnant women: know the signs of preterm labor. Be pushy. Fight for every second, every hour more that you can give your child in your womb. Stay on bed rest. Do whatever it takes to keep that baby inside you for every second possible.

Because 3 little weeks and two measly days can make a life or death difference. 

Fight for every one. 

Happy Birthday, B!

Garland, a birthday hat, and a picture of her on the top of the shepherd's hook. And Also, PRINCESS balloons!

 A birthday card from E and Mommy, and a princess bucket to hold down the princess balloons.

I lit her candle and sang happy birthday, but E was getting really impatient. 

See?

So we brought the cake home. 

I haven't eaten any yet. But I will :)

UPDATE: I ate some. It was white cake (which I knew), but it had RASPBERRY filling in the middle. YUM. It was a sweet little surprise.

Happy birthday, B. I wish you were here. I miss you more than words can say.

It Could Have Been Different

Two years ago, I stopped at a little emergency room in New Mexico. I had been having weird, consistent gassy sort of cramps, and I was only 26 weeks pregnant. I had never felt a contraction before, and I just wanted to make sure the baby was okay.

It was a tiny hospital. The nurses immediately "diagnosed" me with Braxton Hicks contractions ("Oh honey, when you're in real labor, you'll know"). My abdomen was palpated, fetal heart tones checked. The doctor was called and she repeated those two things, diagnosed me with Braxton Hicks contractions as a result of the long drive, and recommended drinking more water and frequent breaks to get up and walk around. I wasn't checked for dilation, I wasn't put on a toco monitor, I wasn't given a non-stress test. I had no idea what any of those things were. I couldn't possibly be in labor.

But I was. I was in labor. Hours later I gave birth to a baby girl. I came *this close* to having her in the toilet. I thought I needed to poop, but when I started throwing up I decided I needed to go back to the hospital. I thought I had appendicitis or something. I had no idea. No idea.

It could have been different. If that first hospital had provided standard of care, if they had checked me for cervical change, if they had administered tocolytics and corticosteroids, I might be throwing an actual birthday party sometime later this month. I would be looking at Christmas dresses, and buying baby dolls, and doing all of the fun things that come with raising a girl.

They didn't. So on my daughter's birthday, I'll be at the cemetery. I'll bring her a balloon and some flowers, and E and I will eat some cake. I'll try my best to remember what it was like to hold her in my arms, even though I didn't get to do so until she was dying. I'll pray for faith that there is an afterlife, because if I can't believe that I will get to hold her again, I won't be able to go on.

It didn't have to be this way.