Whine Party

Okay. I need to vent, it's too long for 140 characters, and everyone who I usually whine to has already heard this and I still feel the need to rehash it.

So all you lucky people get to listen to me whine. YAY!

Today M's sister in law sent me a private Facebook message to see how I was doing. Nice, right?! So I told her that I was doing AWESOME, that I got into the nursing program, that E is doing well, I have the summer off... life is pretty awesome all things considered.

So she writes back and basically "Yay! I'm so proud of you! In other news, M is back with C [the girl he had an affair with when he was with the girl who he had an affair with when he was married to me... did that make sense?!] and their baby boy was born last week. They're getting ready to move closer to his parents."

.........She always does this. I'm not sure why I ever email her back, because she always asks how I'm doing and then when I answer she drops some sort of huge bomb on me.

I knew C was pregnant, but C and M had broken up MONTHS ago. So I was like.. look! This means that my inability to carry a child to term was NOT the determining factor in me being such an unsatisfactory wife that M had to cheat on me multiple times. The fact that she will likely carry their baby to term does not guarantee that they will live happily ever after.

Apparently I was wrong.

So now, he has gotten to experience having a baby and taking him home from the hospital in a timely manner. An experience without apnea and bradycardia, NG tubes and IVs. Without worrying about brain bleeds or if the baby's PDA was still leaky. Without having to leave the baby night after night in NICU, falling asleep watching him on a webcam.

I will probably never get that.

So why did he get back with her, to take care of her baby? Why not me and mine?

I don't miss him. I don't want him back. She can have him. I am a better person now that he's out of my life.

That doesn't change the fact that I still feel inadequate. Like I wasn't enough. Like I will never be enough for someone else; that even if/when I do start dating, who will want me? I can't date someone who doesn't want kids - I have one! I can't date someone who wants many children - if I get one more live child I will be extremely blessed.

I also feel stuck. He's in a whole new phase of life; I'm the same. I'm still struggling with solo parenting day after day. I am still in school and I have a whole year and a half to go.. and even then I'll still be in school part time, although I'll be able to work so it won't be as bad. I'm still living with my mom, which is humiliating just in and of itself. I've been living here for a year and a half and I'm probably looking at another year and a half. That's three years. That's a long time.

Loser comes to mind. About me. And him. But mostly me.

And this is sort of unrelated, but it's part of the whine party. My sister is having an anatomy ultrasound for her pregnancy on Friday. She's asked me to babysit her three boys while she goes. Which is fine.. but B was the only granddaughter. All the other grandkids are boys. So if the anatomy ultrasound reveals she's pregnant with a girl, she's going to come back all happy and squeely. To make it worse, she's due in November and keeps telling me she's hoping to have the baby on 11/11/11. Which, she never remembers, will be B's 3rd birthday. Should have been B's 3rd birthday. Because, you know, my baby girl is dead. People forget that sometimes.

I'll feel better in the morning, I know I will. I just needed to get that out. I should get a journal or something and not burden all of you kind people with my whine fests, but thank you for being my listening ear <3