Hanging Up the Horns

I've decided.

I'm going to quit pumping - or "I'm going to hang up the horns (HUTH)" as they say in EP'er circles.

I feel fabulous that I've been able to pump for E as long as I have. 20 months! That's a long time. That's almost 2 years of my life pumping every.single.day. Half of high school. Woah.

I'm a little sad that I'm not going to make it to two years, but I just can't. I mean I technically could, but I need my body back for my own health and sanity. I was pregnant for almost 16 months straight (pregnant - early miscarriage; pregnant at next ovulation - lost B at 26 weeks; pregnant at 12 weeks postpartum for 29 weeks with E) and now I've been pumping for 20 months. That's exactly 3 years that my body has been a home, a food source, or recovering from childbirth. That's a long time.

I'm ramping up my domperidone dosage to try to add a little to my freezer stash before I quit - and to make it so it (the domperidone) is gone faster. I'll be done pumping in a little less than two weeks. I have enough freezer stash for a month? Maybe two? I'm not sure. But when the freezer stash is gone.. we'll be done. I'm a little sick that I don't have the milk I pumped in NICU - I had over 3,000 oz stockpiled; that would have taken us well into two years. Stupid ex husbands who throw liquid gold away. But oh well. No use crying over spilled breast milk ;)

Every time I give E a bottle of freshly pumped milk I'm a little sad. I feel a little guilty that his breast milk bottles are numbered. But he drinks water out of his bottle like it's no big thing (for naptime), so I really don't think he'll even notice. I've started giving him smoothies at lunch with different fruits, some protein powder and either avocado or coconut milk/coconut oil for some good fats for him. He's drinking them pretty well. When he gets a little better at drinking them I'll sneak some greens in there. That way I'll know he's getting lots of good nutrients still. (He's on a multivitamin too - but I'm extremely paranoid about his nutrition and weight gain. I blame it on NICU.)

I've shed tears over this decision, but ultimately I'm happy with it. My goal was 6 months, and then a year, and after a year I had no defined goals - I just knew I was okay with doing it until he turned two, but I was okay with stopping anytime after I had reached a year, too.

I'm excited to get my body back. Sad that my baby isn't such a baby anymore. Grateful that I made it this long.

And I can't believe it. I'm hanging up the horns. I'm weaning. In a couple weeks, my life won't revolve around pumping!! How crazy is that?!