The Eve of Change

I got a call from my attorney today. After 16 long months, M has finally signed the latest draft of our divorce decree. I'll go in to sign it tomorrow.

After all of this time... I just don't know what to think. The decree itself is legally fair, but I feel kind of screwed over by it. I gave up on getting alimony, and just all around let him get away with too much for what he did to us. By legal standards for normal situations, it's a pretty standard document. But the reason for divorce said irreconcilable differences, when it should say "adultery and abandonment." I should get alimony. Those are the only major disappointments for me, I guess.

I can't help but still feel that this isn't right. I didn't think I still loved him - I thought I was completely over it. I'm not. I could never go back to him, but I still wish this had never happened. That it was all a bad dream and I'll wake up and things will be normal again. We were meant to be together. That's how I've always felt and it's very hard to change that perspective.

Another thing. I'm not prepared to be divorced. I'm not prepared for the pressure of people wanting me to date. I'm not ready. The thought of going on a date makes me want to throw up. The thought of taking any chances with my still shattered heart is just unthinkable, but I know there will be pressure from all around me. People trying to set me up. My mom, as good as her intentions are, is always telling me that I'll become bitter if I don't get back out there. Maybe she's right. I don't know. I just know I'm not ready yet.

I'm not ready. But tomorrow I'll put my pen to that paper, and just like that, "until death do us part" is undone. It's just unreal.