It's Done.

Done. Over.

I signed the divorce papers today. It was such a... shock, I guess? That isn't really the right word. But it was really strange to see M's handwriting, his signature. It was like I had a flashback of all the notes he'd written me in high school, up to him signing our marriage certificate... and then this. I know that signature, that handwriting so well. It hit me kind of hard.

But it's over. The papers aren't going to be filed with the court until M provides documentation that E is insured under his policy (what good does it do if I don't have the information, anyway? I mean seriously) but as soon as we do, all it needs is a judge's signature and it's final.

It's a bittersweet day.

The Eve of Change

I got a call from my attorney today. After 16 long months, M has finally signed the latest draft of our divorce decree. I'll go in to sign it tomorrow.

After all of this time... I just don't know what to think. The decree itself is legally fair, but I feel kind of screwed over by it. I gave up on getting alimony, and just all around let him get away with too much for what he did to us. By legal standards for normal situations, it's a pretty standard document. But the reason for divorce said irreconcilable differences, when it should say "adultery and abandonment." I should get alimony. Those are the only major disappointments for me, I guess.

I can't help but still feel that this isn't right. I didn't think I still loved him - I thought I was completely over it. I'm not. I could never go back to him, but I still wish this had never happened. That it was all a bad dream and I'll wake up and things will be normal again. We were meant to be together. That's how I've always felt and it's very hard to change that perspective.

Another thing. I'm not prepared to be divorced. I'm not prepared for the pressure of people wanting me to date. I'm not ready. The thought of going on a date makes me want to throw up. The thought of taking any chances with my still shattered heart is just unthinkable, but I know there will be pressure from all around me. People trying to set me up. My mom, as good as her intentions are, is always telling me that I'll become bitter if I don't get back out there. Maybe she's right. I don't know. I just know I'm not ready yet.

I'm not ready. But tomorrow I'll put my pen to that paper, and just like that, "until death do us part" is undone. It's just unreal.

Things To Love (And Learn!) About Cloth Diapering

We've been doing great in cloth diapers, and our stash has grown enough that I don't have to wash diapers every night any more!! Yippee!!

It's so not as big of a deal as I thought it was going to be. It's like one more load of laundry a week, and it's fast laundry, not takes-hours-to-sort-and-fold laundry. That's it. That's the only thing that's different. I don't have more leaks than with disposables, I have considerably less trash, my house smells a lot better since the poop goes in the toilet and doesn't sit around in the trash can, and I don't ever have to worry about running out of diapers. I love it. 

I'm still learning, though. I learned a very important lesson about cloth diapering the other morning. 

E had slept in my bed, and was in only a t-shirt and diaper since he had spilled a cup of water from my bedside table on his pajamas and I was too lazy to find him another pair. So it's morning, and I'm all groggy but I can feel E moving around so I have to wake up. I look to my right, and there's his diaper. HIS DIAPER. Without him in it. As soon as I registered that, I heard a grunt. A GRUNT. I intuitively knew what was going to happen, and I jumped up and grabbed a cloth wipe from my stash. Just in time, I CAUGHT HIS POOP. WITH A WIPE. IN MY HAND. If it weren't for my superior reflexes, he would have pooped on my pillow. Oh. Em. Gee. 

So the lesson is: don't put your toddler in velcro diapers without pants. EVER. From then on I've been using snaps at night with pants or a onesie on top. He's never managed to get snaps off, but I'm sure he'll learn in no time! 

In case you've had some mishaps of your own, I'm giving away a $25 gift card to Diapers Etc.! They have revamped their web site and it's better than ever. The giveaway is being sponsored by Diapers Etc and EcoChic Parties. Yay! 

Mandatory Entry: 

• Follow my blog via Google Friend Connect and leave me a comment telling me about the funniest diaper mishaps you have had - cloth or disposable! 

Extra Entries: 

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• Enter other giveaways from the blog party - one entry for each other giveaway you enter! (Unfortunately, you can only win from one blog, though. Just FYI.)
• Tweet this giveaway: "Win a $25 gift card to @DiapersEtc! Join in on the @EcoChicParties fun with @HauteSingleMama! #clothdiapers http://bit.ly/i6bQzu  Ends 2/28 "

Please leave one comment per entry completed. Have fun! This giveaway will end 2/28. 

Open only to US residents 18 years or older. I was provided with a cloth diaper from Diapers Etc. No other compensation was received for this post. All opinions are honest and my own!