I had a really hard time getting to sleep last night.
It was my own fault though. I've been checking my college's website faithfully, waiting for the summer schedule of classes to appear. It did this weekend. I looked up the times available for the classes I want to take this summer, and my heart sank. It's not going to work.
I failed to take into account that since these are summer classes, the time spent in class is longer. Just the two classes I want to take would take me away from E Monday through Thursday, 6 hours a day Tues-Wed-Thurs and 3 hours on Mondays.
There simply isn't anyone who can watch him for that length and frequency. I could try to split the time up between people who have offered to help... but the thing about people offering to help is that they mean it at the time, but sometimes flake out. Take my older sister, for example. When I first moved back here after leaving M, she offered to help me in any way possible - she said she'd watch E if I had morning classes, and she said they would add me on to their phone plan. Then, when school came around, she changed her offer to only between 9-11 am or between 1-3 pm for watching E. And when I had the money for a phone, she changed her mind about that too. I recently asked her to watch E while I went to class because my mom and step dad, who normally watch him, had a really important appointment during my class time. I asked her a week in advance and she readily agreed... but then the day before she was supposed to watch him, she canceled (not for a good reason). Luckily the appointment got rescheduled, and I got to go to class. The point is, it's not very reliable, and I can't spend all my time stressing that I'm going to have to miss class because someone is going to back out.
For summer, I can switch around my schedule. There is one class (Anatomy) that I *have* to take in order to be able to apply to nursing school for Spring 2011. The other class is "highly recommended before application" - it's the CNA course, and it's recommended because you need to have your certificate before the nursing program starts. Taking it fall semester would be cutting it close, but I could probably pull it off. There's another English class that I will eventually have to get done (it's a co-req) that I can do online this summer, and I won't have to be away from E as much.
But for future semesters.. it seems as though I'm going to have to look into daycare. That scares me so badly for a couple of reasons.
The first and most obvious is germs. E is healthy and strong, but he was extremely premature and still has immature lungs. I am so scared for him to get sick. I think that's reasonable and understandable. He probably won't qualify for Synagis next year because he *is* so healthy, so daycare + RSV season = 1 worried preemie mom.
The other is just paranoia from all the news stories you see about daycare abuse/neglect/accidents. I would feel much more comfortable sending him to daycare when he is able to talk, and tell me if there is something not right. But sending him at just a year old! How do I know if I can trust a daycare? It's easy to put on a good front when parents come to visit.. who knows what goes on when you're not there. You know?
Besides, I'm not even sure if I can afford it. I don't know how much it costs. I guess if I need to get him in fall semester I should start calling around. Maybe I can wait till next spring though.. that would be much better.
Sigh. So much to think about!