I can honestly say I have always done my best in being a mother to E. From the moment I knew I had conceived, I dedicated myself to him in a way that probably only another mother who has lost a child and been given another can understand.
But tonight, I realized it has never been good enough.
I tried so hard to stay pregnant. I followed doctors orders and then some - I did everything I knew how to do. But I still couldn't give him his 40 weeks. He got 29 - 3 more than his sister. Not good enough.
I tried to give him a family. I begged his father to try to make it work. I wasn't good enough. My best efforts at being a wife failed - he didn't want me. Not good enough.
And now. I'm trying my best to raise him on my own. But my best isn't good enough. On my own, I can't give him a home. Thank goodness I have family that is able to give us a place to live. All his clothes are donated by generous friends and family. I can't even nurse him - I have to pump. Not good enough. Not good enough. Not good enough.
And now I'm looking for a daycare for him. Of all the things that he needs that I simply cannot give him, I've ultimately failed in the most important one - a mommy. I have to pay strangers to parent him, to raise him, while I go better myself with an education that will hopefully enable me to give him some of the other things I don't have the ability to give him now.
It's not good enough. But I don't think I have any other choice.
I hope he will forgive me someday when he understands.