Secret Life of the American Teenager: Season 3 Episode 26 - ...Or Not to Be

All I can say is wow.

Wow.

I just caught up on this episode today - I always watch them online at abcfamily.com, and they don't become available until the following day - and I am totally speechless.

Well, not speechless, because here I am blogging about it.

**Warning: Spoilers**


I legitimately cried during this episode. I could see where it was going from pretty early on (not because I'm psychic or anything ;) You know how you can just tell when something's coming?! I just knew) but I was still in denial - they had to be making it seem worse than what it was... right?! But if it was going where I thought it might be going, I really didn't think I'd cry. There was a time when merely the suggestion of a dead baby resulted in automatic waterworks.. but not really anymore. I save my tears for special occasions now. So I was totally, totally shocked. Secret Life is so often cheesy and unrealistic, but to me the acting in this episode was so raw and real, I couldn't help but cry.

I totally saw myself in Adrian (and Ben a little bit, too). Especially in the scene where Tom calls Adrienne and she says she can't talk - and the look on her face, and the sound of her voice is just dead and emotionless. You're so tired, you're so numb, you just go on autopilot:

Screenshot taken from the abcfamily.com Total Access Player.

It was so weird but just watching her... just relived the exhaustion, the disbelief, the feeling that this cannot possibly be real.

And then an instant later, she hangs up her phone, looks up at Ben, and her eyes immediately start to well up with tears: 

Screenshot taken from the abcfamily.com Total Access Player

and she bursts out sobbing. All. Too. Familiar. Feeling like you have no tears left and then suddenly it hits you again.

Screenshot taken from the abcfamily.com Total Access Player

You can totally just feel her pain. She's so heartbroken. Then Ben comforts her - and I remember that feeling too. Sobbing those deep sobs that wrack your entire body, and having someone comfort you. You feel their warmth but you still feel so alone, and so cold. I remember feeling so cold all the time after B died. Literally and figuratively.

I just can't say enough how great I thought the acting was in this episode. Mainly Ben and Adrian, but everyone else, too. How helpless Ben and Adrian's parents felt - I remember seeing those exact looks on the faces of my family and friends. People try to be there for you and they don't know how - they just look bewildered and pitying. 

There were a few things about the episode that I was disappointed about: 

I wish they would have focused more on the stillbirth.. the fact that Adrian still had to go through the birthing process even when she knew her baby was dead. I can't even imagine having to do that, and that is (in my opinion) a huge differentiating factor between a stillbirth and an earlier miscarriage or a neonatal loss. 

Along the same lines, I wish they would have shown the baby. I know I'm dark and twisty like that, and probably 99% of people would have been horrified if they had. It could have just looked like a sleeping baby... nothing gory, of course... but it would have been nice to see Ben and Adrian getting to hold her. Even if they just showed a swaddled blanket and not shown the baby per se. And seriously? They didn't call anyone until it was all over and done with?! Really?! It would have been awesome for everyone to have been rallying around Adrian when she had to give birth. I see the statement that they're making - that Ben and Adrian clung to each other through it - but it seems unrealistic to me. Most people would call the people they're close to as soon as they found out something was wrong.

All in all though, I thought this was an amazing episode. I don't usually blog about television shows but this was a must. I can't wait to see next week's episode, and how Ben and Adrian deal with the grief of being babylost :(

Easter Favorites!

I love Easter time. It means that winter is finally over - spring is here. The weather is beautiful - not too hot but not too cold- and all the beautiful flowers are starting to bloom.


I love the candy and the Easter bunny - I remember being so excited waiting for my Easter basket that I couldn't sleep. Somehow I always missed the Easter bunny, as hard as I tried to stay awake - and when I woke in the morning, I couldn't resist taking a peek at what was in my basket before anyone else woke up!


This year, E is old enough that I can start some new traditions! I got him an Easter basket last year, but he didn't really care about it. This year, instead of a basket I got him a shovel and pail, in which I'll put all his Easter goodies! My parents did that, and we always just loved the shovel and pail. We have a sandbox in the play area in our town home complex, and I think he'll have TONS of fun digging in the sand.  I want to do an Easter egg hunt for him in the backyard.. but I'm not sure if he'll "get it." Nothing wrong with trying though, right? I sort of want to dye eggs... I saw an "unspillable" egg dye kit at the store the other day, so maybe I'll try that. But I'm thinking E's still a bit too young!


In addition to all the fun, superficial traditions, since B died, Easter has had an extra special meaning to me. In the Christian faith, Easter is celebrating the resurrection of Jesus. The Christian belief is that everyone will be resurrected someday - and for me, that means I'll see my precious, teeny tiny baby girl again. It's a time of year that is filled with hope and happiness for me. I know that not everyone believes the same way, but for me, this belief brings a lot of comfort. I hope to pass that belief on to E, so he can look forward to meeting his big sister again, too!


I found this website that explains some of the symbolism behind all of the things we associate with Easter! I found out that Easter eggs represent new life or re-birth. Lambs represent Jesus, or "The Lamb of God." I found this one particularly interesting, "Easter hats & wearing new clothes for Easter- Symbolizes new life offered through the death and resurrection of Jesus." I didn't know that! 


So while E and I are having fun doing our Easter traditions, I will be thinking about B and what all of those things mean for us as a family. I am so grateful for our faith! What beliefs or traditions do you have when it comes to Easter?


I wrote this blog post while participating in the SocialMoms and Hop blogging program, for a gift card worth $25. For more information on how you can participate, click here.

Spring Has Sprung

I know I just did a graveyard decor post, but obviously since it's WAY overdue, B's little resting spot has gotten a makeover.. for Spring!!! I felt a little silly decorating for Easter so early, since it's not until the end of April this year (can anyone explain to me WHY Easter changes?! It confuses the heck out of me. Something to do with the moon cycles is what I've heard... but what kind of sense does that make?!) but I couldn't stand her Valentine's Day stuff being up in MARCH.

So here it is!

The finished look :)

The bunny was an impulse dollar store buy. I still can't decide if I like it or if it's scary. 

Garland with daisies, plus I hung some egg ornaments that I found in the dollar store section at Target off of the garland. You can't tell, but they're sequin-y and sparkle like crazy in the sun! 

Lots of little stakes around the edges - eggs on the sides and butterflies in the back! Also in the back next to the solar lights are little pinwheels!

This garden tile was at the dollar store, and I really loved it. It's true, and I thought it fit well with the Easter resurrection theme. 

Eli, being helpful and taking the beads I put in the eggs to make them heavy out :/

But he was having fun :)

Doesn't that look springy and festive?! I love it! 

A Little Late....

I am just barely getting around to uploading pictures from my phone from the last few months, and I wanted to share how we decorated B's grave for Valentine's Day. I know that was over a month ago, and I'm pretty sure I tweeted a picture or two, but I just wanted to have it documented here on my blog because I think it looked really cute!

E helping me decorate...

What it looked like when we were finished! 

We dropped off the teddy bear on actual Valentine's Day! 

Somehow the garland had come off the bottom of the pole... but whatever. It still looked cute. 

Miss you, my little Valentine! My due date with her was February 16th, so I was secretly hoping she'd be a Valentine's baby!

Displaced

When I was pleading with M to try to save our marriage the day I found out about the affair, one of the things I said to him was that we'd been through so much together. No one else would ever understand what it had been like to lose B, and how that had changed us.

I was right. 

No one will be celebrating B's birthday with E and I tomorrow. I didn't plan for a big production. I just thought my immediate family would remember, and be able to spare 30 minutes to come out to the cemetery, listen to a song and eat a piece of cake. That's it. Somehow, no one is available to do that. I just wrote a long whiny post enumerating the reasons why, but as I rambled on and on, I realized that I wasn't even upset about that. 

What I'm upset about is that this day should matter to someone else just as much as it does to me. B had a mother and a father, who held her while she died. I should have someone to lean on, to support, to grieve with. I'm desperately looking for that in the people around me, and I'm not finding it. Because it's not anyone else's responsibility but his. I'm feeling disappointed in the people around me, but it's displaced anger. I'm not mad at them. This cross isn't theirs to bear. I wish they were a little more supportive and a little more intuitive about how I might be feeling, but they're all doing the best they know how to do. But he isn't. He left us, he left me to grieve alone. 

Tomorrow also should have been our 3rd anniversary. When B, perfect little B, was born so unexpectedly on our first anniversary, I thought it was a sign that we were meant to be together. Cliche and corny, I know. But I did think that. I thought it meant that I had made the right decision to stay with him after the first time he cheated on me. I thought that it meant that God was blessing us with an extra special little baby (which of course he was) to raise together. 

I never dreamed it would end like this. With a dead baby and a deadbeat dad. 

So for today, I'm angry. But I'm going to try not to take it out on the people who won't be there to celebrate B's short life with me tomorrow. I'm going to try to direct the anger toward the person to whom it belongs. 

On November 10th

November 10, 2008. I was 25 weeks 6 days pregnant. I was heading across the country, looking forward to a new adventure. Moving for my husband's job. I remember filling out our rental application for our apartment a few days earlier - it asked if we anticipated having anyone else living with us in the next year. I proudly wrote, "Yes! Baby girl, due Feb 16, 2009!"

On November 10th, I didn't know what my daughter's name would be. I knew what her nickname would be, because I called her it in my head. But I wanted a "big" name that could be shortened. I was still thinking. But I had months. Ages.

On November 10th, I had no idea that the very next day, my life would change forever. That the essence of who I was, as a person, would change forever. That the world would change forever.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

This day is so very near and dear to my heart. Through losing my two precious angels, I've come to know a community of the strongest women out there. Those who have lost a child through miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death have known true heartbreak, yet they shine so brightly as examples of love, hope, and generosity. 

On October 15th, I remembered my babies by first heading out to B's grave. I hadn't been for too long, and I wanted to decorate for Halloween. E and I swung by the dollar store to get supplies, and then went to see his sissy! 

I lit my candles a little early, but quickly had to blow them out because E was all about getting over to them! Whoops! Didn't think that through...

I love this picture. So sweet. 

E was an awesome helper. He especially loved throwing the flowers around. The ones that fell off? Courtesy 

of E, lol! 

I think it turned out pretty cute! You can't tell from the picture, but the garland on the shepherd's hook is very sparkly in the sunlight. It's black with little orange pumpkins!

We also took a little bit of time to visit the other babies that rest near B. I picked out her burial plot specifically because it was by other babies, so I always like to say hello when I go and think about them and their mommies.

B usually gets all the attention on my blog, because I have a tangible memorial of her (plus I got to hold her in my arms, and it's just different), but later that night I took some time to remember my other precious angel. It was my first pregnancy, and I was so excited and nervous. It took me a good week after I got my positive pregnancy test to get used to the idea that I was having a baby, and I only got to keep her one week after that before I miscarried at 6 weeks. The thing I remember most about that pregnancy was right off the bat I was so tired. I literally would sleep all day, wake up for 4 or 5 hours, and go back to bed. It was so weird. Anyway, I just knew she was a girl (and I was right with my subsequent two pregnancies, so I have no reason to think I was wrong!). I wanted to name her Aimi (I was taking Japanese classes at the time, and when written in kanji, it's written with the symbol for "love" and "beauty" - 愛美) 

I lit my candles again at 7:00 for the Wave of Light. One for B, one for Mia. 

I love and miss you, my angels. I can't wait to hold you again.

No More Silent Nights

In all of the hand-me-down clothes I was given for E, there's only one Christmas outfit.

It's a long sleeved onesie, and it says "All that Mommy wants for Christmas is a silent night."

Before he was born, as I was going through, sorting, washing, and putting away all the hand me downs we got, I found this onesie and was immediately stunned and horrified.

It really is an innocent enough sentiment. Normal moms, frazzled by sleep deprivation probably really do wish for a silent night. One full night of sleep. And I really do understand. It's a reasonable thing.

But angel mommies.. we don't wish for that. We've had far too many silent nights. Nights where there was no crying baby to wake us, but we still couldn't sleep because of the tears running down our cheeks, the ache in our hearts and in our empty arms. And when we did fall asleep, we dreamed that our baby was there to wake us. Or we had nightmares about the reason she was not.

After I lost Brie, I remember lying awake next to a snoring M, wishing so desperately to be pacing the floor with a screaming, colicky infant. I could not understand why anyone would ever complain about a baby crying. I only got to hear my daughter cry once, and it was the most beautiful sound in the world.

Now with E, I understand a little more. Sometimes he's exhausting. Sometimes it's infuriating that he just won't stop crying and I don't know why. But when I start to get frustrated, I remember how I felt during those silent nights and smile. I am so incredibly blessed. Bring on the noisy nights.

My Story - B

B. My beautiful angel.

I'm going to copy from a guest blog I did for my BFF Katie at www.babybumbleb.com.

BRIE

The day my daughter was born was the best day of my life, like a firstborns birthday is for all parents. It was also the most terrifying and devastating day of my life. Why? Because I was only 26 weeks pregnant.

We were literally in the middle of a cross-country move. Halfway between our old home and our new home. I had felt "off" all day, and started having what I thought were gas pains around noon. Eventually I noticed that the pains were consistent - every 5 minutes. We were traveling, so we stopped at the first emergency room we came across. I wasn't in a lot of pain, just a little uncomfortable, so I felt really, really silly going in to an emergency room. I was told I probably wasn't having contractions, because they didn't feel my WHOLE tummy getting hard. The baby was listened to with a doppler - she sounded beautiful. The doctor came in, repeated everything the nurses had done and told me I was having Braxton Hicks contractions due to the long car trip. "Drink more water, get up and walk around every 2-3 hours, and follow up with your OB when you get home" were the orders I was sent away with. I was not checked for cervical dilation. Because this was my first pregnancy, I had no idea that I should have been.

About eight hours later I was trying to sleep in a hotel room. The "Braxton Hicks" were getting worse. I thought "Wow, I must really be a baby if these are Braxton Hicks. I wonder what real labor is like?!" I thought maybe my appendix had burst or something weird like that, so I dragged my husband out of bed and we went to a different hospital. I was taken to triage where I was checked for dilation. I was 8 cm dilated and the baby was at +2 station.

There was no going back. I delivered her, and she let out the most beautiful cry. I was allowed to kiss her on the cheek before she was whisked away to the NICU. Forty-six hours later, we were told that she was suffering from pulmonary hemorrhage due to the immaturity of her lungs. They had done everything they could do, and it wasn't working. We chose to remove her life support and end her suffering. We held her for the first and last time, and she passed away peacefully in her parents arms.

Gabriella Nicole
1 lb, 15 oz
11/11/08-11/13/08