In the skills lab, we've been learning how to do blood transfusions. It's really very simple - for the most part, just like running a regular IV, just with a few extra bells and whistles. And of course, a million more risks.
One of which is hyperkalemia. Your blood cells are just full of potassium, and when blood is transfused, some of those cells burst, releasing way too much potassium into the plasma.
Before B died, she received a blood transfusion. I have no idea when, or how much. She was hemorrhaging from her lungs. That's all I know. When we were finally allowed in the room and they told us that they had done everything and she still wasn't getting better, that was one of the things the neonatal nurse practitioner said.
Her potassium levels are so high... so high her heart will slow down, down, down until it stops.
Asystole.
We let her die before that happened. When we made the decision, though, her heart rate was already in the 60s. The alarms kept going off. {120-160 beats per minute is what is normal, if you're not familiar.}
I don't know how high her potassium levels were. I wouldn't have understood it if I had known. I didn't understand anything, yet they put the decision of her life or death into my hands.
Every new thing we learn about that I was first exposed to that night takes me back. Makes me second guess whether I made the right decision. Because really, I made that decision with hardly any information. I had medical advice and that was all. No background knowledge to speak of.
Someday, I want to see her chart. I want to know what happened before they let us into that room.
But I'm afraid. Really, very afraid. I know too much now. I'll know if errors were made, or if I made the wrong decision. If I could have had them do something, anything, to save her life.
I looked up the number for medical records at that hospital just the other day. I haven't called it yet. I want to get her records sent to me - I don't know how long they keep them readily accessible {probably a long time, but still}. I'm nowhere near ready to read them, though.
Maybe when I graduate. Maybe when she would have turned 5. That's a nice round number.
When she would have turned 5, I'll know how to save a life. I'll be able to see more clearly that vague, vague line where enough is enough. I'll know for sure if her medical team - and if I - did everything,
everything. I think we did, but I'm afraid. So afraid that we didn't.
Welcome to the first of many great events hosted by Kerrific. We are super excited to be part of this event where each month one lucky winner will win a stash of items to help make their life easier, greener, and more fun. This month we are giving away a set of 12 newborn sized diapers and a wet bag in gender neutral colors. These are pocket diapers and each comes with a newborn sized insert. The diapers are designed to fit babies 12 pounds and under. The diapers feature snaps for easy adjusting and a secure fit. There isn't a better way to start your new baby out than with a cloth diaper stash of their very own.
The Talk has no idea what I’m doing with it, nor would it probably care. By entering this giveaway, you agree to indemnify me, The Talk, and iCandy from any responsibilities of all issues arising from the receipt and use of this prize. Thanks for participating and good luck! - Megan Broutian}
I do have an iPhone. For the first year after I got divorced (while I was on food stamps!!!) I had a crappy prepaid cell phone. Once I managed to make it into nursing school, though, we had required apps. They gave us an iPod Touch (and by "gave," I mean paid for with our special nursing fees that are added on top of tuition). Many of the required apps for school need an internet connection and I was finding that it was impractical to need to have WiFi every time I needed to look up a drug or study for a test, and I decided to purchase an iPhone. Judge me if you want. I didn't buy it to have the latest and greatest - I bought it because as a single mother, finding study time is hard enough and the iPhone is a great tool to be able to study on the go. Plus also? I didn't/don't pay for my iPhone with YOUR TAX DOLLARS. I pay for it with student loans, which I will have to pay back once I am graduated.
This one is almost funny. I do get to shop as much as I want - at thrift stores. Because you know, it takes awhile to find something presentable to wear when you're sifting through shit other people didn't want. As for living off child support, that's a complete joke. Every dime of my child support goes to childcare while I'm in school, and I have a balance left over after that. It doesn't pay for any of my child's clothes or activities or haircuts or any living expenses. It pays for daycare. That's it. I will admit that my state is generous in its food stamp formula - I get $367/month for me and E. That's $12/day... $6/day each.. $2 per person per meal. So while I do have enough to feed us, it's not as if we're eating steak and lobster every day. Just to clear that up.
Today I was babysitting the bf's kids while he was at work - a full 12 hours - and we had to find something to do! What better than a movie?!
