More Milk Plus Winner!

So I FINALLY picked the winner for the More Milk Plus giveaway! Yay! And the winner is....

Comment #28, which was Tara!!!! Yay!!!!! I'll be tweeting/emailing you shortly! Congrats!

Note to self: figure out how to get posts to be numbered so I don't have to count them. Ahem.

Some of you entered so many times and I wish I had more bottles of this to give away. It's such amazing stuff and I'm not even just saying that because I got to review it. It totally saved my supply when E was still way too small to be weaned - it's just awesome. 

Mine and Nobody Else's

I got an email from my attorney today.

M is offering to terminate his parental rights in exchange for no child support, no alimony, not paying for my attorney's fees, and marital debt divided equally.

So basically, he walks away scot free, and I'm left with 99% of the responsibility and no help.

The thought of never having to see him again is awesome. The idea that I will never, ever have to turn E over to him and be sick with worry the whole time? Better than I can say. In many ways, it's what I was hoping for.

Now that I'm staring it in the face, though, I'm having a little bit of trouble with it. First of all, I feel like I've been screwed over. When I got back together with M, I had just rehabilitated my credit from the havoc my last boyfriend had caused. I married M and our financial situation was not ideal, and that was compounded by my pregnancies. He also cheated me out of my goals. I never wanted to have children until I was finished with school, and he talked me into it after his sister got pregnant. He convinced me that it would be better and healthier for me to have children young, and to go back to school once they were in school. I gave in. I wouldn't trade any of my babies for anything, but I do wish I was in a position to be able to provide for E. The way I planned to be. I made so many decisions based on the fact that he promised to be there, and he's just left me high and dry. I just feel so taken advantage of... violated... used.

Secondly, my heart breaks for E. What am I going to tell him when he gets older? How am I going to explain that money was more important to his father than he was? M can't undo relinquishing his rights. Once it's done, it's done forever. And he's making the decision like it's nothing. He's legally disowning him. Saying I have no rights to this child, nor do I have any obligation to him. I just... I have no idea how someone could do that. No idea.

And lastly, the thought of being the sole person responsible for this little life terrifies me. I know that I've been doing that all along, but there was the hope of financial support, at least. I'll legally be the only person in the world responsible for this precious child. Tonight, that feels like a lot of weight to bear. What if I can't do it? What if I can't provide for him? I'm just terrified. I don't have parents who can financially save me. It's just so staggering to be the only one.

So, I'm not sure what to make of it. My attorney said to call him on Monday. There's not too much I can do until then.

Tonight, I'm just wishing that I had someone to lean on. Some semblance of stability and security in my life.

But I don't. I just have E. And that's really wonderful. He's going to be all mine. No one can take him from me, not even for visitation. I just need to focus on that.

Scary and Damaged

Today, it has been exactly one year since I found out about M's affair.

That morning, I had been up every 3 hours with E (and I know it was every 3 hours, because he was still a preemie - 37 weeks - and I was setting an alarm to wake him to feed every 3 hours!). I thought M had to work at 5am (his schedule was very erratic) and he wasn't awake yet, so I decided to check his schedule on his BlackBerry. We were completely open with each other about our phones and passwords and things, so it wasn't weird or abnormal for me to do so.

I checked, and saw that he didn't work until noon or something, I can't remember. As I was exiting the calendar, I saw a new email account that I wasn't aware of. Not only was it new, it was in that transparent ghosty state, the kind that comes when you click "show hidden" - if you have a BlackBerry you know what I mean. I'm not sure if other phones do that. Anyway. I thought it was weird, but I wasn't too concerned - I thought maybe his regular email had gotten too filled with junk, or he wanted a "junk" account specifically for mandatory forms and stuff. Whatever. But I was curious, and I opened it.

There was one email. "Thank you for joining MySpace. Click here to activate your account..." Hmmm. He already had a MySpace, and he didn't use it much. I was starting to get suspicious, so I logged onto the new account. He had one friend - a girl. His profile picture was a picture of only his abs. His status was "I need to find a secret place...." Her status was "I wish I was with someone special..." and had that stupid mood smiley with the eyes that are hearts. Ugh. Those images are seared into my memory like it was yesterday.

I woke him up and said "Who is she?" For a minute he tried to act like he didn't know what I was talking about. I showed him his own MySpace page.

And then something in his face... I'll never forget that look. Kind of like... an angry... yet... defeated look. Like, "Well, the poop has hit the fan, so I'm just going to do whatever I want." It's extremely difficult to describe. But from the time he made that face, he turned into someone I no longer knew.

It was as if he didn't know me from Eve. My feelings no longer mattered, the past that we'd shared no longer mattered. The future we'd planned evaporated before my eyes.

I called my mom. Sobbing. "Mom, he did it again. Can I come home?"

I called his mom. "He did it again. I don't have anyone else to ask for help... can you come help me pack?"

He went to work. Like nothing was wrong.

I don't really remember the rest of that day. I called a friend and stayed the night at her house. She got up in the night with E so I could sleep. It was so sweet.

The next day I went back to our apartment. I asked M to speak with him privately, as his parents had already arrived. I begged him to work on this. I said that I knew that I had said I was going to leave, but we needed to try. For E. Please. Please. Please. He said no, he didn't think we'd ever get past it. I asked if I could at least go stay with his parents for awhile, four hours away. Try separating for awhile. See how it went. He said no, that's not going to work. You need to go home.

I asked one more time before I left. Again, the answer was no.

So, his parents took me to the airport. I took my baby on an airplane two weeks before his due date, during RSV season. It's a miracle he didn't get sick.

And that was that. It's already been a year. My baby is now a toddler, and I'm a year further in my education. Other than that, things haven't really changed. I'm not divorced. I live at home. I haven't been on a date.

But I'm a different person. I'm not the girl who woke up that morning, concerned about getting her beloved husband off to work. I don't even know her anymore.

I'm cynical and bitter. I'm independent and smart. I always doubt other people's intentions. I do things myself now - I don't wait for someone to save me. I've done more in the past year than I knew I could, and more than I ever thought I would have to.

And for E? It's totally worth it. All of it.

I didn't come out unscathed though. I'm afraid I'll always be this way. Scary. Damaged.

But who knows. In another year? I could be a completely different girl.

McFatty Monday

So I've known about McFatty Monday over at Heir To Blair, but I wasn't really sure how to join in. There wasn't a button or a linky or anything on her site. So trusty rusty old Google lead me to Heidi at It's Just Me..Heidi-D and it turns out she has a button and a linky and everything, apparently authorized by Blair herself. And I really love buttons and linkys, so here we go.






So I've kind of told this story before, but I'll go over it again. Really fast. I've kind of struggled with weight my whole life - I was a chubby preteen once I hit puberty. I slimmed out as I got more involved in ballet dancing, and felt pretty good about my body while I was dancing. I quit dancing at 16 (stupid, stupid, stupid) and weight crept back on after that. I packed on the pounds after I got back together with M (depression from basically quitting my life to accommodate his), and then I exacerbated that by getting pregnant - not one, not two, but three times within 16 months! I got pregnant in April of '08, had an early miscarriage, got pregnant in June with B, carried her for 26 weeks, gained 12 lbs after losing her, got pregnant with E in February '09 and was a total whale by the time I had him at 29 weeks. I didn't have a lot of time to worry about weight loss while he was in NICU, but I lost some weight just due to breastfeeding and not really having time to eat a ton. Then when everything happened with M, I quickly went on what I called the "Divorce Diet" - I was never hungry, I literally had to force myself to eat, and I dropped 30 lbs without even trying. It was sweet. 
Then, the shock started wearing off, and I went back to my old bad habits. I've been taking a pretty intense course load in school since summer semester, and I always feel like I concentrate better if I have a snack while I'm studying. This has lead to me gaining a little weight back, since I don't always reach for carrot sticks ;). I was doing really well at exercising for awhile, but my crazy class schedule in the summer derailed me from that, too. 
I feel disgusting, so it's time for me to stop making excuses and get back on track. Also? At some point, my divorce will be final, and I'd kind of like to start dating after that time comes. And it's not going to happen while I'm feeling the way I do right now. Blech. 
So this is me, recommitting. My basic plan right now is to restart the 30 Day Shred and choose to eat fruit and vegetables more often, and carbs less often (I eat WAY too much bread and sugar!). I'll check in each Monday to let you all know how the week went. 
If I don't? Throw rocks. Please. 

Seriously? Seriously.

If you follow me on Twitter, you know that I'm having trouble with my pediatrician. At E's one year checkup, as she was getting closer to the diaper area, I started saying "E is uncircumcised. Everything I've read says that the foreskin should NOT be retracted until the child does it himself...." and I was cut off there, because that's when SHE RETRACTED HIS FORESKIN. I was speechless. She said "Yep! You're absolutely right, you don't need to be doing anything. His retracts pretty easily anyway, so he's fine."

What?! WHAT?!

Unfortunately, I'm not a very feisty person. I should have yelled at her to get her hands off of my son, and I probably would have had E shown any signs of discomfort. But he really didn't seem to notice at all... and I was really just stunned.

I got home and started asking on Twitter, and people were telling me to report the incident to the state licensing board. I did, and this is the response I recieved -

Ms. D:

I am an investigations supervisor with the Division of Occupational and Professional Licensing (DOPL).  I have reviewed your complaint regarding Dr. S.  While it is regrettable that Dr. S did not comply with you request (knowingly or unknowingly), the issue does not rise to a standard that would allow for a licensing action.  DOPL must show that a licensee has engaged in "gross misconduct" in order to seek a licensing sanction.  Also I spoke with our in-house medical person and they advised that to the best of their knowledge it is good practice to check the foreskin and in no way is it detrimental to the child.  However your complaint is important to us and will be kept in our files.

Larry Gooch

Investigations Supervisor, DOPL

Okay, so it doesn't allow for licensing action. I don't want her to lose her license to practice medicine - she's a good doctor other than this. 

But really? It may be good practice to "check" the foreskin, but retract it? It exposed the glans, although not ALL the way (I think - E's is the only uncircumcised penis I have experience with, and obviously I've never pulled the foreskin all the way back! I've never pulled on it at all....). I'm not sure what to think of this. Is this man wrong? Do I write him back and ask if by checking the foreskin he means to pull it back and expose the glans? Or do I just leave it alone and find a new doctor? 

Sigh. I'm so glad it didn't hurt him. If it had, I would be so much more upset than I already am. I'm annoyed. But if she had hurt my baby?! I'd be out for blood. 

One Year Ago Today... Part Deux

One year ago today E came home from the NICU at last. I can't remember what we did that morning, but I remember they told us he should be ready to go by 2 or 3 pm... so I'm sure we just got ready and went to get him! It was so surreal, and as we were driving away I felt like I was stealing him ;). I really did. I have no words for how amazing it was, so I'll just show you the pictures instead.

Last time pulling up to the hospital...

Last time going up those weird things....

This is the lobby where I would eat and take my breaks from NICU...

LAST picture with leads on!!!

Changing into his going home outfit...

I'm back there changing him, the nurse is getting his discharge papers all ready..

E's going home outfit! We bought it the day I got my BFP!

So excited to have our family together.... Little did I know ;)

I insisted on sitting in the back seat. To make sure he didn't quit breathing. Naturally.

Finally at home!! We had the crib side-carred -look how teeny he was in it! Also note the thermometer and nasal aspirator IN THE CRIB. Because I was taking his temp every 3 hours, and you never know when you'll have an emergency and need the nasal aspirator now. ;) #paranoidNICUmom!

And today? A year later? His dad is no longer in the picture. But he and I are the most perfect family ever.

Today I took him to daycare while I went to school, and I didn't worry that he was going to die from germ exposure. I also took him with me to the store - again, I didn't think twice about it. I haven't taken his temp for weeks, and I don't periodically count his respirations anymore. I don't strip him down and watch for retractions, and I only sometimes worry that he'll stop breathing in his sleep. He's a big, strong, healthy boy.. and I'm a little less paranoid.

So blessed, I'm telling you.

One Year Ago Today...

I took most of the day off of NICU. Which sounds really sad now - I can't imagine just "taking a day off" of E. Lol. But that's what we called it. Anyway, I took most of the day off of NICU. Why? Because E was scheduled to COME HOME the next day!!!! Home?! HOME?! I was freaking out.

You see, having lost a preemie in NICU, I never fully allowed myself to believe that I would walk out those hospital doors with a baby in my arms. I didn't set up a crib. M set up some things - the swing, etc. I did wash the 0-3 months size clothes and hang them up while I was pregnant, but I hadn't done anything in preparation for a baby since E had been born. I remember every week the NICU social worker would ask M if I had let him set up the crib yet. He'd say "Nope!" and smile at me, and I'd smile, embarrassed, and say "Maybe next week."

So a year ago today, we were scrambling around town. Buying bottles (I have to have Dr. Brown's, because they reduce colic and reflux! Lots of preemies have colic and reflux, I'd better start preventing it!), buying a thermometer (We'd better get this one that does rectal, axillary and oral. It's more like the one they have at the hospital...), a nasal aspirator (Should we get this battery operated one? He's been really snuffly lately, maybe the bulb one won't be powerful enough...), an Angel Care Monitor (HOW on God's beautiful green Earth am I supposed to be able to trust this child to keep BREATHING without an apnea monitor?!), and a bajillion other things that I can't even remember because I probably never actually needed them. We set up the crib that day - we had it "sidecarred" next to our king sized bed.

Setting up the crib itself was a really difficult experience for me. I was so happy that I was bringing my baby boy home. So happy. We had painted the crib a green color (with gold sparkles that we added), because he looked best wearing green. I hated when his NICU nurses dressed him in blue (especially blue hats!) because it gave his skin a bluish tinge and it made him look like a dead baby. And I saw him dead enough in my nightmares. But he looked beautiful and alive in green, so we chose everything green. We were setting up the crib (well mostly M was) and I just started crying. M asked me what was wrong and I told him that as happy as I was to bring E home... this was a green crib. A green crib. Where was the pink crib? The one we should have had for our preemie girl. All the days in NICU, I got to have with B. There were 2 with her, and 45 with E, but I still got NICU time with both of them. I got to pump breast milk for both of them. But from this moment, everything I did with E was something I never got to do with B. And that made it bittersweet.

I pulled myself together and we went and got Qdoba for dinner. I really don't like Qdoba (Chipotle is much better!!) but M liked it and it was close to our apartment.

After dinner we went to NICU, and saw E's primary nurse for the last time - she wasn't going to be there on his discharge date. It was so sad. But happy, too. I held him for awhile, and we breastfed that night. He did really well and I was pretty encouraged. We left at shift change to get one last night of sleep!

And today? A year later? I took E for his one year checkup. He weighed 21 lbs, 2 oz. He's 28 inches long. He's 16th percentile for weight and 7th percentile for height for his actual age. He's within the normal range (again, for his actual age!) for all his milestones. He doesn't qualify for Synagis this year. He's too healthy. 


I look at him, and I can't believe this happy, wild, crawling-sorta-walking-getting-into-everything chubster is that preemie who I had no faith that I would walk out of the hospital with. Even with all the other not so great things that have happened this year... I have no idea how I got so blessed!

This was the night before we brought him home :)

Today at the doctor's office!!