Okay. I need to vent, it's too long for 140 characters, and everyone who I usually whine to has already heard this and I still feel the need to rehash it.
So all you lucky people get to listen to me whine. YAY!
Today M's sister in law sent me a private Facebook message to see how I was doing. Nice, right?! So I told her that I was doing AWESOME, that I got into the nursing program, that E is doing well, I have the summer off... life is pretty awesome all things considered.
So she writes back and basically "Yay! I'm so proud of you! In other news, M is back with C [the girl he had an affair with when he was with the girl who he had an affair with when he was married to me... did that make sense?!] and their baby boy was born last week. They're getting ready to move closer to his parents."
.........She always does this. I'm not sure why I ever email her back, because she always asks how I'm doing and then when I answer she drops some sort of huge bomb on me.
I knew C was pregnant, but C and M had broken up MONTHS ago. So I was like.. look! This means that my inability to carry a child to term was NOT the determining factor in me being such an unsatisfactory wife that M had to cheat on me multiple times. The fact that she will likely carry their baby to term does not guarantee that they will live happily ever after.
Apparently I was wrong.
So now, he has gotten to experience having a baby and taking him home from the hospital in a timely manner. An experience without apnea and bradycardia, NG tubes and IVs. Without worrying about brain bleeds or if the baby's PDA was still leaky. Without having to leave the baby night after night in NICU, falling asleep watching him on a webcam.
I will probably never get that.
So why did he get back with her, to take care of her baby? Why not me and mine?
I don't miss him. I don't want him back. She can have him. I am a better person now that he's out of my life.
That doesn't change the fact that I still feel inadequate. Like I wasn't enough. Like I will never be enough for someone else; that even if/when I do start dating, who will want me? I can't date someone who doesn't want kids - I have one! I can't date someone who wants many children - if I get one more live child I will be extremely blessed.
I also feel stuck. He's in a whole new phase of life; I'm the same. I'm still struggling with solo parenting day after day. I am still in school and I have a whole year and a half to go.. and even then I'll still be in school part time, although I'll be able to work so it won't be as bad. I'm still living with my mom, which is humiliating just in and of itself. I've been living here for a year and a half and I'm probably looking at another year and a half. That's three years. That's a long time.
Loser comes to mind. About me. And him. But mostly me.
And this is sort of unrelated, but it's part of the whine party. My sister is having an anatomy ultrasound for her pregnancy on Friday. She's asked me to babysit her three boys while she goes. Which is fine.. but B was the only granddaughter. All the other grandkids are boys. So if the anatomy ultrasound reveals she's pregnant with a girl, she's going to come back all happy and squeely. To make it worse, she's due in November and keeps telling me she's hoping to have the baby on 11/11/11. Which, she never remembers, will be B's 3rd birthday. Should have been B's 3rd birthday. Because, you know, my baby girl is dead. People forget that sometimes.
I'll feel better in the morning, I know I will. I just needed to get that out. I should get a journal or something and not burden all of you kind people with my whine fests, but thank you for being my listening ear <3
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I have not lost a child (nor had a child, though I hope the latter happens) but I have experienced death. And I, like you, remember the day people die. As in, the date. And mourn them on that date as well as on their birthday. That day means something to us and always will.
ReplyDeleteAnd I had my ex-bf's friend instant message (remember when we used to do that??) a month after we'd broken up just to tell me he was engaged. Do I really need to know that? He's since married, but to a different woman.
Don't feel bad for venting!!! Sometimes we just need to get it out of our system even if it takes a million times writing it down.
ReplyDeleteI hate that people forget things just because the person isn't living. It's like they are gone for everyone but you. And it just isn't fair :(
I am so sorry. I wish I had something amazing to say that would help, but having been partially where you are, there is nothing to say that can make it better :(
(((hugs)))
Ok.. DO NOT feel like I'm making fun of you.. but when I saw the title of this post I immediately thought of WHINE FEST 2000! I wish I could remember the whole thing...
ReplyDeleteBut i know how you feel.... But just so you know.. you're life is way better than his... he is incapable of keeping a healthy relationship. He might "look" happy right now.. but really how long is it till he cheats on her and he's left another girl to raise their baby alone. Just wait... he's a roller coaster.. you however, and climbing a mountain.. I know it sucks right now, but you are going to find yourself in a really good place not long from now. You are doing the work, you are taking the steps... and it's going to pay off soon. I love you and miss you so much!!
I totally agree with Kelly. He isn't content in the family lifestyle... he's made that clear with you and wife #1 (and plenty of girlfriends.) Just know that you are working on a type of happy that he will never acheive. You're going to get your degree doing something you have a passion for, you have a totally handsome little boy who is your world, what you are doing with your life actually matters. (Am I making any sense?)
ReplyDelete